On GOD, Fear, and Punishment – Don Hanley’s blog #23

I don’t know how old I was when I first heard this horrible attempt at praise: “He’s a God-fearing man.” “God-fearing”?? I thought God was supposed to be the supreme loving one; was he not?

Then, I saw a gigantic picture of God the Father sitting on a throne above the altar in our church. Is God both a horrible, cruel, bad-ass supreme being And a loving being? I was confused. Now I’m confused that so many millions believe in such a two-faced God – a god that is loving and totally cruel and hateful at the same time. One that can bless us with love, hope, kindness, and creativity and curse us with hatefulness, cruelty, fear, and helplessness. And if we perform any actions driven by the curses, then he will throw us into hell for all eternity. Wow, what a confusing bunch of beliefs.

Now, I really like a friend’s experience when he was six, “When the teacher said God was a supreme being, I thought she said, ‘Supreme Bean.” That god, I can relate to.

I like Albert Einstein’s ideas on God. He puts a modern twist on the idea of God and builds on St. John’s: “God is love, and he who lives in love, lives in God and God in him” (or her). I believe that the kind of fear that affects our view of life and of ourselves is taught to us through our family life, religious instruction, schooling, and political thinking.

In Alice Miller’s book For Your Own Good, she cites a guidebook for parents written by a Christian minister around 1900. He stated that if parents do not break a child’s spirit by the time the child is two years old, those parents will have a monster on their hands. In that same book, she states – that an infant and baby before the age of two can be severely punished by any means necessary, and that will not harm the child for life as he or she will not remember the punishment. Are you as horrified by these two ideas as I was? Sadly, I believe some form of these so-called guidelines is still running loose in too many families, churches, and schools.

This thinking and punishment leads to excessive fear, anger, and hatred toward self and others. The child growing up under these guidelines is crippled for life. So, please, follow more civil and loving guidelines for yourself and your family and your interactions with all others in this world. Now be an increasingly joyous I - Thou. and...

Nurture your heart, AND don’t eat the menu, nor fear the child in yourself.

How To Be A ‘THOU’ – Don Hanley’s blog #22

One of my most important blog editors has encouraged me to say more about how a person knows whether he/she is a ‘Thou’ person in my I-Thou kind of encounter. And how do we know if the person we are meeting with is a Thou? First, let me quote the Little Prince: “What is most important is invisible to the eye!”

To be a Thou, I must be a person who is interested in you or, at least, be curious about you. That is, I want to know your interests, such as what animals you like best, your hobbies, whether you involve yourself in sports, organizations that work for peace in the world, like meeting new people, and, well, everything. So, really, whether you are like me and really enjoy life and want to help the world be a better place. And if I am a counselor or therapist or any healing or education professional that you are consulting, do I seem to really be interested in you, do I have time for you, and have the patience to be with you?

If you are a child, especially a young one, you will feel that I am safe and a person who is interested in people like you. If you have been around the world for a while, and especially if you have been knocked around a bit or a lot, then you will want to know a bit or a lot about what I have experienced and will need me to take some time and have a generous kind of spirit and is willing to share it with you. If you only seem interested in my ‘ailments,’ you cannot be a Thou with or for me.

Ah, time. I will have to admit that I was too busy during the first third, or even half, of my life to be a good Thou person with anyone. Fortunately, I was a workaholic, so I did not do a great deal of harm to anyone except myself. And Time is one of the worst enemies of I-Thou encounters. Everyone is too busy to have time to be with others in a caring, I-Thou way. In my years working with parents, I found that the telephone was the most hated instrument children had in their homes. “Mom is on the phone. She’s always on the phone.”

Over my many years on a college campus, starting in the l980s, I saw two or three students walking around and talking to one another, most often not I-Thou encounters, but at least connecting in some way. Then cell phones came along, couples and threesomes almost disappeared in the 1990s and 2000s, and depressed singles with these little gadgets seemingly glued to their ears began to increase.

Then, in the 2010s, even human voices decreased, and singles would be focusing on the gadgets in their hands and sending text messages. Depressed and anxious singles began to increase, and too many went to counseling centers and found busy therapists who didn’t realize that the student facing him/her was real life, worried, low energy, sad, and alive, if only barely, a person sitting before them. And that poor therapist never heard of Martin Buber and the I-Thou encounter.

I hope this gives you a complete picture of the I-Thou. And I hope you will join me and . . .

Will open and nurture your heart and will not eat the menu.

Let Go of Control and Open Your Heart – Don Hanley’s blog #21

One of my favorite psychologists, Abraham Maslow, declares that after the need for our physical needs is the need for safety and security. In my experience with marriage and family therapy, I have found that for many people, this Need for security is too often seen in the attempts to control those around them – especially spouses and children. I imagine you have heard such phrases as, “By god, you are my wife now, and you’ll do what I say!” or even worse, because it is more universal, at a marriage ceremony, for the woman about to become a wife, “Love, honor, and Obey your husband.” I hope you’ve only heard this and not experienced it. And from Dad’s, “And as long as you live in this house, you’ll do what I say!”

Unfortunately, as a family counselor, I’ve heard these remarks too many times, and I have seen the sadness and emotional harm they have done. The above is most often said by men and always by men who were unhealthily controlled by their own fathers and/or mothers. Research has found that children who are respected as worthwhile and lovable persons, and it was shown both by example and instruction on how to act and/or do something, will give respect in return. If a person is in a position of power, and a parent always is, especially when the offspring are young, they will have a well-behaved and happily respectful child. I prefer to have a respectful and delightful child than an ‘obedient’ one.

I once counseled a young mother who had her three-year-old girl taken from her home because of child abuse. After a few weeks of parental education and counseling, the mother, my client, was allowed to take care of the girl for a weekend. The mother somehow found my home address. I was doing some yard work, and the mother came into the yard and sat the child down on the lawn, came over to me, and began telling me how good things were going with her and her daughter. We talked for several minutes, and the child stayed sitting in the grass as if she were a little statue. Of course, she was not being a “good” child; she was nearly emotionally catatonic. I was quite sure that this young woman had no idea how to take care of a child in a warm and life-giving way. I talked to her social worker later so she could order a continuation of parenting education. And I continued my counseling in a more basic and instructional way.

The biblical injunction, “Love others as you love yourself,” can only be followed by those who have been taught by example and experience how to love and be loved. Some call it being ‘imprinted’ to be loved and loving – not just a mere menu. A biographer of Adolf Hitler, Dr. Alice Miller, stated that Adolf’s mother had lost three previous babies and had turned over the ‘motherly chores’ to a stern nanny and that his father physically punished him almost daily. Of course, many children are treated cruelly and never become dictatorial monsters. And we can be thankful for that. Hitler and other neurotically insecure people believe that they can be secure only if they control everyone around them. And in the extreme, it might be an entire country or even the world. So let go of the need to control and let go of the need to control others and continue to . . . 

Nurture your heart (and theirs), and don’t eat the menu.

I Can Fly, BUT That Cocoon Has To Go – Don Hanley’s blog #20

I love the saying: “You can fly, but that cocoon has to go.” If you’re a reader of my blog, you know I’m 90 years old, and I’ve been working on getting rid of my cocoon all these years. Yet, I’m not rid of the damn thing, and it is still protecting me from being hurt. Too often, I feel like I felt when I was a kid. It has been very helpful in keeping me alive and even thriving in some ways, but now I’m ready to let it go. I built my cocoon to be strong and tough so I would keep myself from being hurt.

I’m sure you have heard of, or maybe observed, the butterfly coming out of its cocoon and flying away. The butterfly comes into being, grows, and exits its cocoon as a beautiful bird-like being and flies away – all this in only a few weeks. We humans usually spend nine months in our cocoon, which we call our mother’s womb. While we are in the womb, we develop arms, legs, and everything else we need to survive as a human baby. Researchers state that while we are in the cocoon, we go through three states – zygote, fetus, and embryo – and then we begin to be able to grow as just a lovable baby. As I was number nine, the doctor said to Mom, “Here’s another mouth to feed.”

In our womb cocoon, we develop an invisible psychic cocoon that will help and protect us as we go through the birth canal. Of course, I don’t remember it, but my oldest sister Marie told me my birth was a tough slog for Mom and probably for me, too. My mom needed a tough cocoon to survive the process, and it helped her survive eight previous little brats slogging their way through her birth canal. No wonder she was worn out when I came along. And poor Mom had to endure one more, two and a half years after me. Wow, and I’m sure Mom is one very strong and loving miracle woman who managed to survive for seventy-three years. If you don’t believe in miracles, then you are a dunce.

Back to me and my cocoon and letting it go. It's a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because my memory is working very well. I often recall moments when someone important, like Mom or my wife, said or did something many years ago (even 85 years ago) that made me feel bad, and then my cocoon drags me back inside and soothes my poor little psyche. I needed my cocoon to get through what is called Infancy, to survive, and even into my second stage of growth, called Childhood. I continued to need my cocoon to slog through the lengthy third stage and process called Adolescence. If I survive adolescence, I may enter my fourth stage of growth – Adulthood. If my invisible cocoon is too rigid and tough, I may remain in this stage for the remainder of my life. I will continue to define myself as a functionary who is a mother or father, farmer or teacher or manager or whatever I do for a living, rather than a person who is still growing and entering and/or living in the fifth stage of human development called Maturity, i.e., discovering new insights and meanings and wonders and enchantment.

To be a full “Thou,” as described in an earlier blog, I must be in or moving into the mature stage. My source for this stage theory was Professor Bernard Boelen at Loyola University. He declared that only a minority of humans reach or choose to live in this stage. Oh, and for maturity and its enchantment, we must find it within ourselves, not at Disneyland. So, I guess I will continue to need a ‘soft’ cocoon around me as I deal with my narcissistic “artificial intelligence” that prevents me from loving more fully.

So, when you see or hear me being a jerk, say to yourself, “Oh, that Don (or Dad) is just struggling with his cocoon again. He uses that as an excuse rather than owning his shit and changing.” And still, I will try to . . . 

Nurture my heart and not eat the menu. (Even if I created the menu.)

A World of Miracles – and I am One! - Don Hanley's blog #19

I woke up this morning and thought: Wow! In only two months, I’ll be 91 years old. That’s a miracle!

And then I thought, I’m a miracle, and everyone is a miracle! Just think, I can lay here in a nice soft bed that someone made, on a mattress that someone made, and put on top of a box spring that someone took the time to make just right. And I’ve been sleeping on sheets made of cotton that someone picked, took all the seeds out of and turned into fibers, and sewed together to make a cloth that became a sheet. And I’m being kept warm by a blanket made of fibers that someone made from chemicals called nylon or rayon. There, I thought of about 20 miracles and haven’t even gotten out of bed. I am living in a universe of miracles! Wow, again.

Notice that you and I can move our arms and legs just by thinking about it. How do we do that? Is thought some miracle, too? We can, of course, find some biological engineer genius who can explain it to us, but it still is a miracle.

As I write this, I realize how often we take what I call miracles for granted until something goes wrong or causes us pain or discomfort. Then, I too often say a few inappropriate words and curse the faulty muscle movement, which I think is the problem. I feel better when I first think: “Thank you for helping me stay alive”. And then attend to my ‘ailment.’

I do not plan to take something to help me feel like a miracle every morning because, after all these years, I have no control over these natural feelings. And I’m afraid that if I do try to control them for a few days, I’ll end up wrecking me.

Please choose to wonder and enjoy the ability to wonder about the wonderful. And I have a wish: That all world leaders will now take a moment and realize that they now have the miraculous power to do more than any other group of people on earth to create peace on earth!

And, all of you bundle of miracles, leaders or not, please count the miracles you are now carrying around with you and think of how they contribute to your ability to love and to . . .

Nurture your heart and refrain from just eating the menu.

Hope for More “I – THOU’S” – Don Hanley's blog #18

About 70 years ago, I read about Martin Buber’s “I – Thou” concept. It changed my life, and I would like to share it with you.

Martin, a young college professor, was responsible for counseling students. One day, a college student who was very depressed came into his office for counseling. Martin said he counseled the fellow for about an hour, and the young man left. A few hours later, another student ran into his office and yelled that the fellow had hung himself – committed suicide.

Martin began reliving that hour with the student and thought he had listened well, was not judgmental, had not played the grand inquisitor, and was warm and kind. He had been an adequate counselor, he thought. He kept thinking of the student for days, and after a while, he realized that there was one thing that he could have done that might have made a difference, and that was Could have changed the counselor-counselee relationship with the fellow.

Martin realized that he had stayed in the role of counselor and left the student in the role of student and counselee. It was a role-to-role encounter, NOT a person-to-person meeting. Martin realized that a healing counseling session is most helpful if the counselor leaves the role of counselor and meets the person as the authentic person he is and not someone in a role. He knew the counseling session was most effective when the counselor allowed and encouraged the counselee to be as authentic as he or she could be. This he called an “I-Thou” encounter.

I have often been asked to explain what an authentic I-Thou encounter looks like. It's like this: When I'm buying groceries and paying at the checkout, I don't feel the need or desire to have a personal connection with the clerk. I always try to be kind and polite, but I don't necessarily want to engage in deep conversation with them.

When I visit a doctor, I want them to see me as a real person, not just a patient. I want them to connect with me on a human level, recognizing that I have thoughts, feelings, senses, and breath. I don't want to be seen as a mere object but as a living, breathing individual. Or if I am working in my place of employment as a ‘boss’ or manager, I want to engage my employees as persons, not as mere functionaries or roles or, especially, as some underling.

If I were an employee, I would like to see my supervisor or boss as an individual rather than just a functionary or a thing. If my boss treats me like a role, I would try to educate them about how I would prefer to be treated. To see some examples of person-centered or I-Thou meetings or encounters, I recommend watching the New Amsterdam series on Netflix.

Dr. Carl Rogers is one of the pioneers of humanistic psychology and psychotherapy. He was highly influenced by the philosophy of Martin Buber and brought about a significant change in the way psychotherapy was practiced. Dr. Rogers did away with the term 'patient' and replaced it with the term 'client.' In fact, he went one step further and referred to the person he was working with as simply 'the person.' Dr. Rogers believed that it was crucial for counselors to be true to themselves and not just act out a role while working with a person.

I am sure that we all have run into physicians, employers, managers, and countless other folks who treat us and others as if we are only roles or functionaries in their presence and not as the living, thinking, feeling, and breathing persons that we really are.

Many people tend to act like functionaries, devoid of feelings and life. We can learn a lot from young children who have not yet learned to ignore their own feelings and those of others. Unfortunately, people are too busy with their day-to-day routines, ignoring the beauty and wonders of the world, especially the people around them.

My friends, continue to grow in authenticity and be sure to . . .

Nurture your heart, and don’t eat the menu!

Embrace Thoughtful Change - Don Hanley's blog #17

Pope Francis is working to change some attitudes toward homosexuality. The Catholic church and many Protestant churches have believed for centuries that homosexuality is sinful – in thought, word, and deed. And this belief and many more began when humanity believed in a very small three-decker universe – heaven, earth, and hell. The vast majority of people have changed their perception of the universe. Now, we must change our beliefs about human behavior and, with it, about human sexual orientation.

I can’t find a good reason for keeping this condemnation of homosexuality. “Orthodox” Christians state that it is in the bible does condemn ‘laying with another man’ but nothing about women. And there are countless other ‘laws’ and rules that condemn human actions as sins but now are not. Is homosexuality condemned because they are “different” in their behavior? Killing people is roundly condemned in the bible and in all religious writings, and yet we readily do it when it is in our interest to do it. We find a reason for killing – “It is self-defense” or “It is to protect our family or our property or community or nation.” We can always find a reason.

I have changed a lot of beliefs and behaviors in my 90+ years of life, and I didn’t need to change my belief about homosexuality, but I did need some education as I was very curious. It seemed odd. I never knew a homosexual person until I was twenty years old. I was shocked and could not imagine it, and that is about all. Oh, I did have a bit of a fear that “they” might try to make me like them, but that idea didn’t stay long.

I wonder if the priests, bishops, and other religious leaders who are condemning Pope Francis are afraid that they will lose some of their absolutist power to control people. Please give it some serious thought and . . . 

Nurture your heart, and don’t eat the menu.