Hope for More “I – THOU’S” – Don Hanley's blog #18

About 70 years ago, I read about Martin Buber’s “I – Thou” concept. It changed my life, and I would like to share it with you.

Martin, a young college professor, was responsible for counseling students. One day, a college student who was very depressed came into his office for counseling. Martin said he counseled the fellow for about an hour, and the young man left. A few hours later, another student ran into his office and yelled that the fellow had hung himself – committed suicide.

Martin began reliving that hour with the student and thought he had listened well, was not judgmental, had not played the grand inquisitor, and was warm and kind. He had been an adequate counselor, he thought. He kept thinking of the student for days, and after a while, he realized that there was one thing that he could have done that might have made a difference, and that was Could have changed the counselor-counselee relationship with the fellow.

Martin realized that he had stayed in the role of counselor and left the student in the role of student and counselee. It was a role-to-role encounter, NOT a person-to-person meeting. Martin realized that a healing counseling session is most helpful if the counselor leaves the role of counselor and meets the person as the authentic person he is and not someone in a role. He knew the counseling session was most effective when the counselor allowed and encouraged the counselee to be as authentic as he or she could be. This he called an “I-Thou” encounter.

I have often been asked to explain what an authentic I-Thou encounter looks like. It's like this: When I'm buying groceries and paying at the checkout, I don't feel the need or desire to have a personal connection with the clerk. I always try to be kind and polite, but I don't necessarily want to engage in deep conversation with them.

When I visit a doctor, I want them to see me as a real person, not just a patient. I want them to connect with me on a human level, recognizing that I have thoughts, feelings, senses, and breath. I don't want to be seen as a mere object but as a living, breathing individual. Or if I am working in my place of employment as a ‘boss’ or manager, I want to engage my employees as persons, not as mere functionaries or roles or, especially, as some underling.

If I were an employee, I would like to see my supervisor or boss as an individual rather than just a functionary or a thing. If my boss treats me like a role, I would try to educate them about how I would prefer to be treated. To see some examples of person-centered or I-Thou meetings or encounters, I recommend watching the New Amsterdam series on Netflix.

Dr. Carl Rogers is one of the pioneers of humanistic psychology and psychotherapy. He was highly influenced by the philosophy of Martin Buber and brought about a significant change in the way psychotherapy was practiced. Dr. Rogers did away with the term 'patient' and replaced it with the term 'client.' In fact, he went one step further and referred to the person he was working with as simply 'the person.' Dr. Rogers believed that it was crucial for counselors to be true to themselves and not just act out a role while working with a person.

I am sure that we all have run into physicians, employers, managers, and countless other folks who treat us and others as if we are only roles or functionaries in their presence and not as the living, thinking, feeling, and breathing persons that we really are.

Many people tend to act like functionaries, devoid of feelings and life. We can learn a lot from young children who have not yet learned to ignore their own feelings and those of others. Unfortunately, people are too busy with their day-to-day routines, ignoring the beauty and wonders of the world, especially the people around them.

My friends, continue to grow in authenticity and be sure to . . .

Nurture your heart, and don’t eat the menu!