Let Go of Control and Open Your Heart – Don Hanley’s blog #21

One of my favorite psychologists, Abraham Maslow, declares that after the need for our physical needs is the need for safety and security. In my experience with marriage and family therapy, I have found that for many people, this Need for security is too often seen in the attempts to control those around them – especially spouses and children. I imagine you have heard such phrases as, “By god, you are my wife now, and you’ll do what I say!” or even worse, because it is more universal, at a marriage ceremony, for the woman about to become a wife, “Love, honor, and Obey your husband.” I hope you’ve only heard this and not experienced it. And from Dad’s, “And as long as you live in this house, you’ll do what I say!”

Unfortunately, as a family counselor, I’ve heard these remarks too many times, and I have seen the sadness and emotional harm they have done. The above is most often said by men and always by men who were unhealthily controlled by their own fathers and/or mothers. Research has found that children who are respected as worthwhile and lovable persons, and it was shown both by example and instruction on how to act and/or do something, will give respect in return. If a person is in a position of power, and a parent always is, especially when the offspring are young, they will have a well-behaved and happily respectful child. I prefer to have a respectful and delightful child than an ‘obedient’ one.

I once counseled a young mother who had her three-year-old girl taken from her home because of child abuse. After a few weeks of parental education and counseling, the mother, my client, was allowed to take care of the girl for a weekend. The mother somehow found my home address. I was doing some yard work, and the mother came into the yard and sat the child down on the lawn, came over to me, and began telling me how good things were going with her and her daughter. We talked for several minutes, and the child stayed sitting in the grass as if she were a little statue. Of course, she was not being a “good” child; she was nearly emotionally catatonic. I was quite sure that this young woman had no idea how to take care of a child in a warm and life-giving way. I talked to her social worker later so she could order a continuation of parenting education. And I continued my counseling in a more basic and instructional way.

The biblical injunction, “Love others as you love yourself,” can only be followed by those who have been taught by example and experience how to love and be loved. Some call it being ‘imprinted’ to be loved and loving – not just a mere menu. A biographer of Adolf Hitler, Dr. Alice Miller, stated that Adolf’s mother had lost three previous babies and had turned over the ‘motherly chores’ to a stern nanny and that his father physically punished him almost daily. Of course, many children are treated cruelly and never become dictatorial monsters. And we can be thankful for that. Hitler and other neurotically insecure people believe that they can be secure only if they control everyone around them. And in the extreme, it might be an entire country or even the world. So let go of the need to control and let go of the need to control others and continue to . . . 

Nurture your heart (and theirs), and don’t eat the menu.