School of Two Thousand Smiles–Chapter Twenty Five

SAM – ON BEING TEENS AND ADULTS AND MATURE - CHAPTER 25

“OK, are you all ready to become positive teenage adolescents and young adults who will show Dave that there are wonderfully great teens in the world?”

Joe Jackson shouted, “No, we’re all dedicating ourselves to becoming vicious hoodlums!” Everyone laughed, and some shouted, “That’s right, Sam.” “Damn right!” And other kinds of nonsensical comments. I asked them to calm down,  then told them that Debbie Ma and Olivia Martin had asked to go first to tell us what kind of teens they plan to be. 

Olivia awkwardly nodded, and Debbie shook a piece of paper in front of herself and said, “I have been acting as Olivia’s voice on occasion for several months now, and she asked me to write down what she wants to say to you all, so I’ll read her thoughts to you. She said that if she tried to tell us, it would take too long. So here goes: "First, Joe, did you know that less than 1% of physically handicapped teens commit any kind of crimes?” I looked over at Joe, and he folded his hands in front of his face and bowed humbly. Debbie continued to read, “Both Olivia and I are going to have a different kind of summer. Stanford University in northern California has a BTI, Brain To Computer, experimental program, and they need a few physically handicapped young people to work with them, and Olivia applied. And Ella’s Dad. Dr. Haloran will be teaching a summer class at Stanford’s School of Education at about the same time. And Debbie asked me if I could continue to be her translator and caregiver.” Debbie looked at Olivia, and Olivia smiled and nodded. “And she and I will be housekeepers for the apartment that Dr. Haloran is renting for the three of us. So that’s how we’ll become vicious hoodlums!” Everyone, including me, clapped for Debbie and Olivia. Debbie bowed to Olivia, and she was so excited I was afraid she might fall out of her wheelchair. Olivia had nodded to Debbie and she read, "My mom is going to take a much-needed break from caring for me and spend lots of time at the beach with my little brother and my dad."

Ella said, “And, I’m going to stay home and be with my little sister and be responsible – she doesn’t like me to say ‘babysit’ - for her while my mom teaches a rare in-person class at the University of San Diego. I think my mom’s class is about being a creative hoodlum. And I will continue babysitting with my baby niece.”  Ella looked over at me questioningly, and I nodded, and she went on. “And I will get out of the baby-sitting business and work with Dave and Evie on a summer project that Sam’s going to tell us about.” 

Danny looked over at Joe and then at Maria, and both nodded and, I guess, wanted him to tell us that they were working together on something. So, Danny began, “Joe and I have been told that we could continue working with the grounds crew in the summer, and Maria will be joining us. Also, we hope to embark on a special project. Joe likes to take still pictures, and I like to take movie pictures, so Joe’ll take still shots, and I’ll film interesting people and events. Maria likes to write, so she’ll write about what we’re doing. The three of us want to focus on the beauty that is all around us but is rarely noticed. When you, Sam, told us about the wonder of moving our little finger, I began to think about all the wonders in my body, outside my body, and in the world. We want to focus on the wonder and beauty of the world. You will appreciate any ideas you have, and please share them with any of us three. Thank you.” Everyone gave Danny a well-deserved round of applause.  Danny added, “Oh, and one more important thing. Joe and I will need good cameras, so if you have any ideas…”

Ella came back in the discussion, “Dave, Evie, and I plan to meet as many senior people as possible – both working and retired folks – and write about their interests and find out how they would like to see how our generation can both help or hurt our society. Or maybe we’ll learn that they have given us, and we’d like to know why they think that way. We hope to write an article or two, or maybe even a book. Maybe we can find some people for Danny, Maria, and Joe to work with. “

I was genuinely impressed by all the ambitious and thoughtful plans they had come up with, and even if they only succeeded halfway through, they would grow from the experience. “So, we’ve really filled up the teen phase of our development, now let’s talk about the ADULT PHASE or fourth Adolescence.” Before we do that, let’s all stand and give ourselves a hand for our vision and foresight!” I started clapping, and they joined me. “Now slowly move into the fourth section – the Adult phase.”

“The Adult phase is usually the longest period of our lives and can be the most powerful.” All ten of my fellow explorers looked questioningly at me, and I continued, “The teen phase, Dr. Boelen said, was around 13 or 14 to around 25. I remember being relieved that he said 25, rather than 19, because most of us are still trying to find out or prepare ourselves, educationally or otherwise, for what we want to do in our lives. Until about 100 years ago, most people lived and worked on farms. In the United States, the so-called Great Depression and World War II contributed to great changes in our society. We went from a farming society to a mechanized farm, then into cities and factories, and all that went with that. When my dad was 25, he told me that most people believed he should be living and working in the job he expected to hold for the rest of his working life; and be married and starting a family. Now, especially here in California, we often keep looking for a more challenging job and a more comfortable, better-paying occupation. As you have probably noticed, I drive a fifteen-year-old car, and some people look down on me for that.” I saw a few sleepy faces and bored looks, so I stopped lecturing and asked, “What do you think of our Adult phase now?”

Joe, as he often did, went first, “The men are mostly a bunch of fuddy-duddies who just go to their boring jobs and come home and watch sports on TV. And the women try to keep the house and the kids in order while also working. I think they are martyrs.” Evie said, “There is now a more politically liberal population in San Diego County. At least my mom and dad think so. They think that it became so progressive after the Vietnam War, which they hated and which my grandparents demonstrated against.” Ella said she thought both of her parents would continue teaching in some capacity until they retired, if they ever did. Gordo said, “My mom never went beyond high school, and I’m not even sure she graduated from high school. She had my oldest sister when she was sixteen, just like her mother did, and she has spent all her life taking care of us kids. I don’t know when my dad started working for the City of San Diego, but I’ve never heard him talk about retiring.  Most of the Mexican families I know are like mine. I think more are going into various professions and politics, and I’m proud of Gomez, who’s running for mayor of Monte Vista.” The rest of the students continued to share their thoughts. Their own families were all quite stable and working-class folks.

I went back to the Adult Phase and how it differed from the Maturity Phase. "It sounds like all your parents are enjoying being in the Adult Phase, and maybe all are, to some degree, in the Maturity Phase, or they would not have signed you up for this school.  When you hear someone say, “Oh, he or she is very mature, what do you think they mean?”

Chris shared, “I think that person is just right and fitting for their age. For example, a two-year-old who is walking, is potty trained, and saying a few hundred words is ‘mature for his or her age’. So, I don’t think they mean a phase of human development at all.” He sat back and added, “I really think that we, here at Smiles, are in a way, more highly developmentally than a lot of adults who are more like the recent president, don’t you?”

“I won’t answer that for fear of phone calls accusing me of brainwashing students on how to think, so let’s hear from the rest of you.” Four others agreed with Chris. Three said they had never really given it a thought and just assumed some people were older than others.

I said, “When we are talking now, we are talking about human development, and we mean Maturity as the fifth Adolescence.  A person who is Mature, survives as an Adult, and is enlightened in a way that helps others relax and enjoy being alive, human, and with them. Everyone has the Mature energy, power or streak within them, but some never use it or even realize it. The Mature person sees everyone as a Thou, as Martin Buber described them. I think that little people, even toddlers, feel whether I, as an older person, am mature, that is, see me as a Thou and are truly welcome to be with me. My own three-year-old will not go to a crotchety aunt who comes to visit us. I think she naturally knows that our aunt is not life-giving and thus safe.

Every Mature person sees everyone as a fellow human. For example, my wife Alice never refers to our baby as ‘the baby’ or ‘it,’ but instead says, ‘Take care of Micaela, will you?’ So, a mature person can be a professional, a garbage collector, a teacher, or anyone, but they relate to everyone as a person to be respected, cared about, and, if possible, loved. I feel good being in the presence of someone who lives mostly in the Mature Phase. A few years ago, I had to see a medical doctor at the clinic that I go to. My regular physician was unavailable, and so I saw a new fellow who treated me like I was some kind of ignorant nobody. I felt like I was just an object to him. It was like a carpenter working with a piece of lumber. I wrote a letter about him to the clinic physician-director, whom I think is Mature. Some professions seem to attract Adults or even those who are still mostly stuck in the Child or Teen Phase of development. I often think that those choosing professions or lines of work where they must blindly obey a superior are stuck in a lower developmental phase rather than becoming free-thinking Adults and Mature individuals. Oh, and it is important to know that a truly Mature person never thinks that he/she is better than or superior to another person. If I say I am 'better than  you', I definitely am Not.

“Now let’s hear your experiences about adults. How many of you agree with Joe Jackson on this? “

Chris jumped in before Joe could turn himself around in his chair. “First, Sam, I think you are one of the best and most mature people I know, and I thank you.”  The rest of the ten clapped and shouted ‘hurrahs,’ and I’m sure I turned a rosy red. I was so surprised by Chris’s very sincere remarks and the quick response from the rest of the group. Chris continued, “I felt welcome from the moment I came into this room, and I continue to experience you as someone who really cares about me and, well, all of us. My dad is a pretty mature guy, I think, and seems to respect his other employees almost as well as he treats me. So, I have two very Mature men in my life and, well, a whole bunch of women. So, I can’t imagine going to a school or taking a job where the bosses are mean-spirited. For example, I can’t imagine working for our recent past president and his minions.    

“Thanks, Chris and all of you. Now, let's make a list of the characteristics of those truly Mature people. I'll start.” I wrote approachable on the whiteboard. Ella said, “Have a sense of humor.” Chris added, “Honest and kind.” And others continued: warm, open, listens, likable, selfless, non-competitive, and I filled up the board with the positive traits as my cohort sees the Mature. I silently felt more than a bit weighed down by the expectations. 

"So, my fellow maturity seekers, keep all of this in mind as you experience the Xmas vacation.” I looked over the whiteboard, then added, “Patience.” And added, “I bet you’ll need it. And I’ll see you after the first few days of our new year.” I clapped, and they all joined me. 

School of Two Thousand Smiles–Chapter Twenty Four

ON THE FIVE PHASES OF HUMAN DEVELOPMENT - CHAPTER 24 

SAM

On the second to last Friday before Christmas vacation, the students asked about Artificial Intelligence, and several of them said that their moms and dads have been talking about it. I told them we’d talk about it in our last cohort meeting before our vacation. So, on Monday, I asked everyone whether they had any problems or ideas they would like to work on. Only Joe Jackson raised his hand, “I would like to have about two or ten thousand dollars, so I could buy a new car for my mom for Christmas.” He looked down his nose at everyone, and ended with me, and smirked.

I took my wallet out of my pocket, opened it to the fold, and pulled out all my green money – one ten, one five, and two ones. I showed it to Joe and to everyone and said, “I don’t think this will do it, will it?” Everyone laughed or at least chuckled. Joe shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. 

I said to myself that our cohort needs to dosomething to help Joe and his family.

I said, “Okay, I said I would like to explain more fully the idea that we all possess five developmental phases but may not experience all five of them They are: infancy, childhood, teeenage, adulthood and maturity. All are human growth periods, or as one professor I had called them - adolescences - of human growth phases – physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Maria held up her hand and waved to me. She had a twin sister in the other 5^th. grade cohort, and I was glad to see her being excited, as she was quite shy. “Sam, my sister, and I came up with a song that I think would fit your idea of the human development phase. We taught it to the whole fifth-grade class. Could we sing it for you?” I responded yes, of course.

Maria jumped up and shouted, “Okay, guys, let’s all stand up and sing for the old man.” She passed out a page with the words to their song to everyone, including me. Sam, the tune is from the Do, ray, me song in Sound of Music.

Love, a force to help us grow,
Heart is something all can know.
Mind is something we can change,
Learning, stretching, growing range.

Arms are stems we use to hug,
Hands write love when touch is snug.
Touch is how we truly connect,
Use all three to show our love

When your hearts and minds are one,
You can love most everyone.
Use all three to stay a friend,
And that brings us back to love again.

Lo, lo, love, so smile and see,
Love is you, and love is me.

All the non-wheelchair-bound swayed as they sang, and Olivia moved with them. At the end, I clapped enthusiastically, and I must admit I needed to wipe the tears from my eyes. “Wow, Maria, that is wonderful, and it does fit with our growth phases. Thank you. All of you join me and give a hand to Maria and Juanita.” I was truly delighted to see and hear such positive expressions come from our students. I hope they record their singing so I can use it in the facilitator training I will be doing in January. Now, back to our exploration of Artificial Intelligence and human growth. I’ve been thinking about it all weekend because it is very important for us to learn to use artificial intelligence creatively and positively. The keyword here is USE, because AI is a human creation that is like a living encyclopedia that we can use or maybe let others use for, with, or against us.” I didn’t tell them that I think we have subjected children to what I call superficial intelligence for centuries by demanding that they memorize words that tell us what someone else thinks is happening or has happened, and what we should do about it. My own dad told me that he and his fellow students in elementary school were taught that Native Americans were savages and many other falsehoods. And now, some of those same educators are worried about the dangers of AI. I continued with my explanation, “I hope you all remember me telling you about the professor who taught that every person, if he or she lives long enough, may go through five phases of growth and development. How many remember that? Two raised enthusiastic hands, while the rest looked a bit puzzled and rather timidly raised their hands about halfway. Chris loudly proclaimed the five stages of adolescence: ”Infant, child, teenager, adult, and maturity.” And Ella added, “And you said that the professor stressed that only a small percentage  of people make it into the mature or enlightened phase – at least long enough to make a difference.” 

I thanked them both and continued, “To make it easier to remember and to explain, let’s try this: Gordo, your desk is near the back wall, now please move it a little closer to the wall. You can stay in your chair for now or stand over by the door. Debbie, move your desk about 3 feet in front of Gordo’s. Chris, move yours 3 feet in front of Debbie’s, and Evie – in front of Chris. Now, we have 5 sections.” I walked back to where Gordo was standing near his desk and said, “Let’s call this space, closest to the wall, the INFANT phase. Now everyone move up close to near the white board.” I moved with them and then said, “I’ll walk back to the Infant phase and imagine I am the parent of an infant.” When I got there, I saw that Evie was the one standing closest to me, and I said, “Now Evie, tell us what you are thinking and feeling right now.”

“Gosh, I feel like I’m about to cry and I don’t know why.” And she began to shed tears and through her tears said, “This is crazy.” I moved my hands to hopefully encourage that it was okay and to continue crying if she wished. She did.

I quietly said, “Evie is saying that she is remembering and even feeling her infant self, and we, all of us, still have our own infant self still in us. Our phases are not like stair steps, where we leave one as we move to the next, but we keep our previous phase and move into or blend into the next. “Now imagine that you are an infant with nine other infants and slowly and gently walk back and join Evie.” I waited a moment for all of us to imagine we’re going back in time, and I said. “Now imagine how you’d express yourself.” Immediately, I heard fake crying and words like, “Mommy,” “I want my mommy.” “I wet my pants.” Followed by giggling and a “No, I really didn’t.” Laughing, more fake crying, and someone shouted, “Get me out of here.” And someone else yelled, “But I’m safe and warm in here, and I don’t want to go where I’ll be cold and lonely.” “Here’s another mouth to feed.” “Oh, honey, isn’t she beautiful?”  and more muttering. 

Danny had not said a word, so I asked him what he was thinking and feeling because he most certainly had the most complicated Infancy. He looked very serious and began, “I’m thinking about me as a baby. My mom became pregnant before she married Ratso, the one I always thought was my dad until a few weeks ago. I found out that Ratso wasn’t my biological dad, and I’m glad because he was a bastard, and I don’t know who he was, but he had to have better genes. I think my mom kinda used me as a shield and hoped Ratso wouldn’t kill her if she was holding me.” I could see that Danny was holding back tears, and I put a hand on his shoulder.

After about 5 minutes, I shouted, “Okay, you all relax, move apart and take some deep breaths. I think we can all agree that it can be a warm and pleasant place but a place we cannot stay in, right?” They all nodded and/or muttered assent. “So now, …” I pointed to the 3 on the left side of the group. “you 3 move into the second phase, follow me.” I stood between the infant crowd and the second desk. “Now, I am a child and you 3,” I pointed to them.  “…are with me and start doing what a young child might do.” As a member of our foursome, I moved around aimlessly and looked at my three companions, Chris, Maria, and Olivia. “What do you want to do?” Maria ran over and gently pushed Olivia’s wheelchair back and forth. And Olivia made awkward stabs at her. Chis ran around us and waved his arms and shouted, “I’m a bird, and I’m going to fly out of here.” I encouraged 3 more to join in the Child phase and then of the remaining 4. Two sat on the side of the group, hugging themselves and rocking back and forth, while the other two began play-fighting with another kid and laughed. 6 of the 10 seemed to be really enjoying themselves, and 4 of those 6 were quite mischievous. This went on for a few minutes, and I shouted, “Okay, gang, what are you feeling? You all seem to express yourselves as your younger child, but you, now at the ages 10, 11, and 12, are theoretically still in the CHILD phase. So how are you expressing yourselves as older kids in the Child phase?”

Maria said, “I express myself and feel different when I’m in different situations and with different people.” Several others nodded, and Maria went on. “When I’m home and with my brothers and sisters, I feel like a young child because all four of them are older than me. Then, when I’m babysitting my niece, I feel like an adult. And when I’m here with you all, I feel, well, like myself - whatever that is.” 

I was glad to hear Dave say something about how he feels. As he is probably the most reluctant talker in the cohort. He said, “I never feel like an adult, and I do pretty much feel like who I really am – a 11-year-old – when I’m around you guys. I really felt like a baby when one of my uncles called me a retarded brat. I wanted to hit him, but I didn’t, of course. I can’t wait to be an adult. I want to jump over being a teen because I hear so many bad things about teens, and nobody seems to like them – they don’t even like themselves. I asked the two self-huggers why they chose those positions. Chris, especially surprised me as he is one of the most outgoing ones in the group. He said, “I really was a scared rabbit when I started pre-school because it was the first time I had spent a morning away from my mom. And my fear lasted throughout my infancy and into early childhood. I think my kindergarten teachers were very kind, and I began to be more confident. Now, I think I was mimicking my mom, who is still shy around new people.”

The other shy person, Debbie Ma, was still quite shy but very friendly and had a delightful smile, shared that everyone in her family, two brothers and both parents, were all shy. “I guess we all have shy genes.” She said and giggled.

Everyone shared how they felt and thought about their infancy and childhood. I thought it was a good time to tell them that some of our characteristics are inherited through our genes, so I started with what Danny had said about himself. “So, Danny, you probably have your physical characteristics from whoever impregnated your mom – like your height, skin color, good looks…” He grinned at that, and I added, “I mean that. And many other physical traits. Your ‘Ratso’ probably had his personality and meanness modeled for him from his own growing up dad and other males, and you, thank god or more likely your mom’s gentleness and caring. You have decided to be a positive person who is only occasionally provoked into being hurtful to another person. And even with all that said, an odd gene or five comes along in a family, and a boy is born with brown eyes in a blue-eyed family. We really don’t know why these things happen. Our parents provide the clay, and we are the main artists who form ourselves into a positive and likable person.” I glanced at my watch and said, “It’s time to stop, so we’ll have to wait until next week to discuss our Teen, Adult, and Mature phases. So, you have a week to discover what kind of teen and adult you plan to become. 

Danny Expands His Ideas About Christmas–Chapter Twenty Three

DANNY EXPANDS HIS IDEAS ABOUT CHRISTMAS

(This had been posted in December and here it is in book order.)

On a Monday in the middle of December, before the morning's singing and dancing had even begun, I caught up with Sam.

"Sam, how are we celebrating Christmas here?" I asked.

He looked up and gave me a simple answer: "By taking a two-week vacation."

I wasn't satisfied. "I’m serious. Back in ol’ Mississippi, Christmas was about the only time of year people—and even boy-people—actually worked to be nice to one another." I thought of our friend. "Gordo said most of his family would think our school isn’t a 'good' school if we didn't celebrate the birth of Jesus. He’s so worried about it, he never even mentions the school at home this time of year. So...?"

Sam gave me a blank look, letting the question hang in the air for a moment.

"Could we talk about that in our cohort?" I suggested.

Sam smiled. "Only if everyone in our group wants to. Is that okay?"

"Sure," I said.

The next day, Sam brought it to the group. "Some of you would like to discuss Christmas because of things you’ve heard from your families," he began. "As you know, we don't teach or preach any definitive ideas about religion or beliefs here. We want you all to be free thinkers."

He leaned in closer to our circle. "So, what do you think of this? Starting next Monday, each of us can share what we’ve learned about Christmas—the customs and ideas of our own families. If you don't want to share, you can just tell us why. How’s that?"

Everyone agreed. Gordo and Elie volunteered to go first on Monday.

When Monday came, Elie took the lead. "My Mom’s parents usually visit from Oklahoma, so it’s always a big time to talk about it," she started. "Dad and Mom are Catholics. I was baptized in that religion, but the only time we really go to church is for the Midnight Mass here in Monte Vista."

She described the scene with wide eyes. "It’s quite a production. Everyone sings traditional hymns, and the choir is amazing. The pastor, Father Grady, is the center of attention. I think he’s supposed to be like Jesus at the so-called Last Supper, changing wafers and wine into the body and blood of Jesus."

Then, her voice dropped, and she looked down at her hands.

"Last year, I got my grandma and grandpa really upset," Elie admitted. "I told them that changing the wafer into Jesus’s body and the wine into his blood was just a symbolic change, not a real one. I was told right then that I was a heretic."

She looked up at us, her eyes a bit glassy. "I don’t know what that is, but I know it’s really bad because my gramma and grandpa made me cry. I think that’s the reason they aren't visiting us this year."

The room was quiet. Elie took a shaky breath. "Anyway, I think my grandparents believe Jesus was God and continues to be God. I don’t understand it at all, and to be honest, I don’t care. My Dad thinks Jesus was just a very enlightened man, kind of like Gandhi or Martin Luther King, but he never says anything when Mom’s parents are around."

She gave a small, sad shrug. "Last Christmas, he got angry at Mom’s folks when they made me cry. He tried to be a peacemaker, but it didn’t work. So, I don’t know what to believe about Christmas anymore. I just like to think of it as a joyful celebration of life and love, like Dad says."

She looked around the circle, her voice barely a whisper. "I’m interested in what all your families think. Oh... and please don’t tell anyone about what I said about my family."

It looks like I will have to wait till next week but I'm glad to here that I don't have to conform to any one idea about Christmas.

School of Two Thousand Smiles–Chapter Twenty Two

SAM - COHORT SHARES HOLIDAY EXPERIENCES

After the Thanksgiving break, everyone, even Evie, seemed eager to share their holiday experiences. As sharing slowed, Joe Jackson asked, “Sam, would you accept that guy, Bruno Norse, into Smiles?” Before Sam could answer. A chorus of moans, no’s, nevers, and so on, erupted.

I answered, “Joe, that’s an interesting question, and I did some research on it.  A few years ago, the mother inquired about having the boy and his younger sister enroll in one of our sister schools, and when she was told that both parents would need to attend a six-week orientation class and agree to our code of kindness and support of their child and of other students, she withdrew her request for enrollment. After meeting the couple, I’m sure the mother was quite happy to drop the whole idea. In our meeting, she told our school police officer that she did not know her well enough for her to call her by her first name. You can imagine how she would get along with everyone in our program.”

Joe responded, “Well, how in hell can we have peace in our town and even in the whole damn world, if some parents won’t agree to be kind to their very own children?” I heard some giggles, and Joe added, “I’m serious.” 

Evie immediately responded, “I really liked the way you included the whole world in your question. After I talked about our school at our Thanksgiving dinner, my uncle said our teachers must be a bunch of sissy dreamers. Then he sounded kind of serious and asked if we really learned anything. He said, ‘It sounds like you can just do any damn thing you want to do in that school of yours.” It really made me mad, but I kept my temper and told him about the success of our school graduates.“ Evie got a nice round of applause.

Joe continued to engage Evie by asking, “Evie, how is it going with your mom and dad and their marriage? You haven’t told us anything about them for months.”

Evie responded, “They are working on it, and they are seeing a couple who work together as Marriage Counselors. And I have decided I will be okay no matter what they decide. And Joe, thank you for asking. It is, of course, confidential, and I see all of you as my support people, so, well, thanks to all of you. And Ella, I was thinking about you with your altercation with that Bruno bastard and his buddies. Do you still want more variety in your life?” It seemed everyone in our cohort nodded and muttered, “Yeah.”

I said, “Before you answer, Ella, I’d like to say, Evie, good for you, and your parents. And Evie, and Joe, I know you are serious - Joe about the future of human welfare and how it is connected to how we raise our children. I wish I had an answer. I’ve thought a lot about it, and keep in mind that I think everything is evolving, and that it will take at least several generations of schools like Two Thousand Smiles all over the world. I understand that schools in Scandinavian countries, such as Sweden, have programs like Thousand Smiles. Now, why don’t each of us share our own family experience? I’ll go first.” I put my hand above my eyes and looked around our circle like I was searching for something, and then added, “I believe I’m the only one.” I heard a bunch of giggles and guffaws.  “As a father of one toddler and a newborn baby, I first see each one of them as a person who is special.  Even as small as they are, I believe they are a ‘Thou’ – remember me talking about Martin Buber’s philosophy on that?” Several students nodded, and I think the majority of our cohort is open to the I-Thou concept. 

Olivia, in her stumbling way of talking, said, “I know that my parents loved me like that Buber guy talks about, but I think they are still mad at God for creating me a cripple. But I’m sure that I’m here for the same reason everyone is and that I’m with all of you, and learning a lot about being a loving person.” We all clapped and loudly talked over and around one another as we said we were glad she was here with us, too.  

Joe Jackson said, “In the school I was in for the first three grades, we didn’t have any kids with palsy or other physical handicap, but we had a bunch who had mental handicaps and were mean as hell and hated people like me with dark skin. I think that is kind of a handicap, too. And we had a president who was handicapped.”

 Chris jumped in, “Oh, Joe, you have darker skin? I thought you just carried a shadow around with you.” He had a big grin on his face, and he got a few laughs and groans. 

Joe continued, “And I wonder if having a dumb sense of humor is a handicap, Chris.” We continued sharing and bantering with one another and enjoying each other's company. Before we ended our Monday cohort session, I asked how many students wanted to play on our cohort’s basketball team. Both boys and girls would be on the same team. Everyone except Debbie Ma, Gordo, and Olivia wanted to be on the team. I volunteered to be our team's coach, which would be a first.

Later, I told the team that we would practice for 90 minutes on Mondays and Wednesdays, and on Fridays we’d play the other 5th. grade team or perhaps the fourth or sixth grade. We looked pretty good as we put these four boys together with the three girls. The ‘we’ consisted of a young woman who had played basketball in both high school and college and even had done some coaching. She was Evie’s mother's sister. She was amazed at how respectful the boys were toward the girls and generally toward everyone. She had attended what I called an old-fashioned school, where she had put up with all kinds of bullying and insults. She didn’t believe me when I said this was their usual way of being around one another.  She volunteered to help me coach the team, and I quickly made her the ‘head’ coach. By Christmas vacation, she was a ‘believer’ that the kids were ‘naturally’ kind and gentle with one another. She thought that when she had kids, she'd like them to go t Two Thousand Smiles.

School of Two Thousand Smiles–Chapter Twenty One

ELLA  and HALORAN FAMILY THANKSGIVING

Seeing Marge Sherman and her daughters follow Danny into our house reminded me of my first time at Disneyland. I was four or five and full of wonder and fear at the same time. The only way Marge, Danny’s mom, could look more full of wonder and be more tentative would be for her to be walking on tiptoes. Danny, with his new confident stride, said he felt more relaxed and strong than at any time in his life, and he looked it as he led his family into our living room.  I think it was the first time I thought that our house was rather palatial. I remember Dad saying that we had over 3,000 square feet of space to live in. Danny said his Mississippi house was big but old and run-down.

Dad was a gracious host, and I was with him as we met the family at the front door. Dad said,  “Welcome to our home, all you Shermans from Mississippi. Ella told her mom and me a lot about you, and I’ve seen you at Two Thousand Smiles' song-and-dance morning celebrations. Isn’t that a wonderful way to begin a school day?”

Marge replied in her soft voice, “Yes, and all three children enjoy school much more than in Mississippi. We are enjoying California very much. And thank you for inviting us here for Thanksgiving.” Danny looked at his mom in amazement. He later told me that that was the longest speech he had ever heard his mom make. I was also glad to see Marge walking easily these days. It had taken over two months to heal from her beatings at the hands of Ratso, as Danny called his dad. I gave them a tour of our house and yard as mom and dad continued to prepare our dinner. Danny whispered to me that our house was the largest and the finest house the girls had ever been in, and I heard the girls murmur ‘ohs’, ‘ahs’, and ‘wows’.

Dad had put the extra dining table leaf into the table, and the seldom-used white tablecloth and matching napkins were all set very properly. As mom would say, it looked ‘grand’. Dad sat at the head of the table, and Mom, my little sister, and I sat on his right side. Danny’s mom sat at the other end of the table, and the three Sherman kids sat on the side opposite my family. The talk was all very polite and pleasant.  Danny’s mom kept looking around to make sure she was doing the correct thing or saying the right thing. After we enjoyed the almost traditional dinner – the ‘almost’ came from having ‘tofurkey’ instead of turkey - and the Sherman family seemed to enjoy the food, even that change in menu. Marge insisted that she and Susan must help with the dishes.  

After dinner, my dad asked Danny and me to join him in his office just off the living room. Dad sat behind the desk, and Danny and I sat in the captain’s chairs in front of him. Dad began, “Well, Danny, I want to thank you again for your courage and quickness in taking care of that bully on the bus. From what I can tell, and from what Ella tells me, you are an outstanding young man. I belong to a charitable faculty group at the university that awards monetary prizes to pre-college students who perform outstanding acts of kindness. I told the awards committee about your actions on the bus, and they agreed with me that you fit the bill as an outstanding student.“  I think I blushed as he went on to say, “Ella tells me that you would like to have played fastball and now basketball, but needed to work in order to have some money for school supplies and other personal  and family items. And that, if possible, you’d like to help your mom buy or rent a house rather than live in that old little apartment. Is that correct?” This was a surprise to me, and I was so glad that my dad said it in a way that sounded like it would be a gift to him if Danny agreed to take it.  

“Yes, sir. We are already living so much better than we ever did in Mississippi. So those things like playing ball and having a bigger place to live are just dreams. And I hope you know that Ella was also very strong, and I’d say heroic, too. Maybe she should get some kind of award, too.” Dad nodded and said he’d look into that too. Danny went on. “And Mr. Haloran, ah, er, Mark, I don’t think I should be awarded for being so vicious toward the Norse guy. I did need to stop him, but I think I went way too, ah, too far and was too vicious as Sam called it.” Dad said that maybe he was right, but that was a matter of opinion, and he would like to go ahead with the award if that was okay with Danny. Danny just shrugged his shoulders and smiled. 

Dad continued talking to Danny and me, “And I hope we can help to make some of your dreams come true. The award is large enough to at least give you time for after-school sports and to begin saving for better living quarters. Your social worker told me that you and the family are receiving a good monthly social security payment from your dad’s estate. I talked to Sam, your tutor, and he said you could start practicing basketball on Monday if you wanted to. And I understand that your family's social worker had set up a bank account for your mom to automatically receive Social Security payments each month. I believe you should use a different bank, don’t you?” Danny nodded, and Dad said he’d go with Danny tomorrow, and I could go along with them if I wished. Mom would put me to work if I stayed home, so I said I’d like to go with them. 

At the end of the day, I joined the Sherman family when Dad took them home. Marge kept telling Dad and me, “I can’t thank you enough for inviting us to your Thanksgiving dinner. It was the best we have ever had.” From what Danny had told me, I believed her. Later, I told Dad about their history with Ratso.

 

School of Two Thousand Smiles–Chapter Twenty

SAM- With Danny on BEING A SEXUAL PERSON                                

On Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I asked Danny to meet with me after classes. I wanted to meet on Monday, but I couldn’t find the time before I saw Danny and Ella heading down the sidewalk. After all that had been happening, I was surprised to see Danny smiling and relaxing when he came into our cohort room. I said, “Well, Danny, tell me what brings that smile to your face?”

“That’s what I want to talk to you about. It’s kind of hard to talk about, but, ah, I have really strong feelings for Ella. I mean, uh, sex kind of feelings. I mean, when I’m near her, I get a, uh, a boner, uh, oh shit. This is so embarrassing.” He looked out the window, at the ceiling, and in every direction to avoid looking at me.  

I remembered my own embarrassment when talking or even thinking about sex and all that goes with it, so I just smiled and waited a moment or two, and then said,  “Well, Danny, my friend, welcome to the embarrassing world of teens and the lucky males all over the world.” I grinned and put my hand on his shoulder. “Well, my man, I am guessing that this is your first love. Am I right?” He gave me a delightful smile and nodded. I went on, “I remember my first girlfriend. I was a bit older and in high school.” Danny looked interested and curious, so I told him her name, “Ginny was her name, and I started hanging around with her between classes and I walked her home after school. I don’t think I ever told her I loved her, but we spent a lot of time together before we both went away to college. Have you told Ella that you love her?” He nodded, and I went on, “Danny, I believe that the warm, caring love between a boy and a girl is a beautiful and life-giving thing, and it also takes a lot of patience for both of you. Often feelings or emotions act like they are driving us to touch another in every way possible.” Danny seemed to blush, and I continued, “That is a beautiful thing but one needs to listen to their mind at these times and realize that this drive to have sex is a natural action but must be kept under control until each partner is ready, physically, relationally, and even financially to get married and be together for even a possible life-time. I’m sure you are not ready for that, but it is part of the natural, beautiful process. And, for now, enjoy your time with Ella and be patient with yourself – and with her. Okay? And you  said that you have told her that you love her, right?” He nodded and asked, “Did she tell you that she loves you, too?”

He nodded and looked like he wasn’t sure, and his confusion showed, but he continued talking at a fast pace as if the world would end if he stopped too quickly.  “Oh, and she told me that she loved me too. I didn’t tell my mom, and you are the only one. Ella’s family invited my family and me to Thanksgiving dinner, and I was surprised when my mom accepted. It will be the first time we’ve ever eaten with another family – like forever.” He took a deep breath and sighed.

 i picked up the conversation and said, "Danny I want to say a few more words on sexuality, Humans are sexual creatures just like all other animals. One of our big differences is that we can choose who nd when we can make sexual contacts. What I said earlier about a sexual relationship between you and Ella can be a beautiful thing - if you plan it in a life-giving way - a way that can be positive for both of you. Rape - when a guy forces himself on a girl when she has no choice in the matter - is not a positive thing for either of them, And when both have a thoughtless sex just because they feel like it, may not be a completely negative thing but it is not a life-giving and love enhancing thing either,"

There is a great deal more to say on the subject but I wanted it to rest for now. So I asked Danny, “Has our conversation about sex been helpful?” He nodded, and I said, “I want to change the subject, Danny, and talk about your ‘vicious’ attack on ‘poor’ Bruno Barnes. ' I was smiling, and that helped Danny smile too. “You indicated that you rather lost control and hurt him like you wanted to hurt Ratso back in Mississippi. Is that right?” He nodded. “I understand, and Bruno didn’t get more than he deserved, but now you need to learn how to let go of the anger that you have been carrying around over all your years of abuse from your stepdad. I would like you to see one of the other counselors here at Smiles. I’m thinking of Steve Jacobs, or would you prefer a woman?”

“I’m scared of whoever he or she is. Sam, do you think I’m, uh, crazy or something?” 

“No, Danny, I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you have been deeply hurt, and you need to work to heal your wounds. When would you like to see Steve? And I’ll set it up, okay?  And I’m glad that your family will be joining the Halorans for Thanksgiving. Just enjoy the positive feelings you have for Ella. They are natural and normal, and you don’t need to do anything; just accept them. Ginny and I never did go ‘all the way’ as they said in those days. Do they still say that?"

Danny nodded and said, "Yeah, I think so. and, uh, Sam, thanks a lot, I don't think I ever could have brought this up to anyone else, so thank you for being, well, you" 

He put out his hand and I shook it and, again, patted him on the shoulder. +

 say, and I often really wanted to. But we weren’t ready. We’ll talk about it again. You won’t melt and you won’t explode,  so just ‘be’ and I know that that is often quite difficult. And I think you are up to it.” He nodded, and I patted him on the shoulder and said, “Now, let us both enjoy a nice and comfortable Thanksgiving and four days away from this place.” I hoped he would not spend all four days worrying about counseling.