I Can Fly, BUT That Cocoon Has To Go – Don Hanley’s blog #20

I love the saying: “You can fly, but that cocoon has to go.” If you’re a reader of my blog, you know I’m 90 years old, and I’ve been working on getting rid of my cocoon all these years. Yet, I’m not rid of the damn thing, and it is still protecting me from being hurt. Too often, I feel like I felt when I was a kid. It has been very helpful in keeping me alive and even thriving in some ways, but now I’m ready to let it go. I built my cocoon to be strong and tough so I would keep myself from being hurt.

I’m sure you have heard of, or maybe observed, the butterfly coming out of its cocoon and flying away. The butterfly comes into being, grows, and exits its cocoon as a beautiful bird-like being and flies away – all this in only a few weeks. We humans usually spend nine months in our cocoon, which we call our mother’s womb. While we are in the womb, we develop arms, legs, and everything else we need to survive as a human baby. Researchers state that while we are in the cocoon, we go through three states – zygote, fetus, and embryo – and then we begin to be able to grow as just a lovable baby. As I was number nine, the doctor said to Mom, “Here’s another mouth to feed.”

In our womb cocoon, we develop an invisible psychic cocoon that will help and protect us as we go through the birth canal. Of course, I don’t remember it, but my oldest sister Marie told me my birth was a tough slog for Mom and probably for me, too. My mom needed a tough cocoon to survive the process, and it helped her survive eight previous little brats slogging their way through her birth canal. No wonder she was worn out when I came along. And poor Mom had to endure one more, two and a half years after me. Wow, and I’m sure Mom is one very strong and loving miracle woman who managed to survive for seventy-three years. If you don’t believe in miracles, then you are a dunce.

Back to me and my cocoon and letting it go. It's a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because my memory is working very well. I often recall moments when someone important, like Mom or my wife, said or did something many years ago (even 85 years ago) that made me feel bad, and then my cocoon drags me back inside and soothes my poor little psyche. I needed my cocoon to get through what is called Infancy, to survive, and even into my second stage of growth, called Childhood. I continued to need my cocoon to slog through the lengthy third stage and process called Adolescence. If I survive adolescence, I may enter my fourth stage of growth – Adulthood. If my invisible cocoon is too rigid and tough, I may remain in this stage for the remainder of my life. I will continue to define myself as a functionary who is a mother or father, farmer or teacher or manager or whatever I do for a living, rather than a person who is still growing and entering and/or living in the fifth stage of human development called Maturity, i.e., discovering new insights and meanings and wonders and enchantment.

To be a full “Thou,” as described in an earlier blog, I must be in or moving into the mature stage. My source for this stage theory was Professor Bernard Boelen at Loyola University. He declared that only a minority of humans reach or choose to live in this stage. Oh, and for maturity and its enchantment, we must find it within ourselves, not at Disneyland. So, I guess I will continue to need a ‘soft’ cocoon around me as I deal with my narcissistic “artificial intelligence” that prevents me from loving more fully.

So, when you see or hear me being a jerk, say to yourself, “Oh, that Don (or Dad) is just struggling with his cocoon again. He uses that as an excuse rather than owning his shit and changing.” And still, I will try to . . . 

Nurture my heart and not eat the menu. (Even if I created the menu.)

A World of Miracles – and I am One! - Don Hanley's blog #19

I woke up this morning and thought: Wow! In only two months, I’ll be 91 years old. That’s a miracle!

And then I thought, I’m a miracle, and everyone is a miracle! Just think, I can lay here in a nice soft bed that someone made, on a mattress that someone made, and put on top of a box spring that someone took the time to make just right. And I’ve been sleeping on sheets made of cotton that someone picked, took all the seeds out of and turned into fibers, and sewed together to make a cloth that became a sheet. And I’m being kept warm by a blanket made of fibers that someone made from chemicals called nylon or rayon. There, I thought of about 20 miracles and haven’t even gotten out of bed. I am living in a universe of miracles! Wow, again.

Notice that you and I can move our arms and legs just by thinking about it. How do we do that? Is thought some miracle, too? We can, of course, find some biological engineer genius who can explain it to us, but it still is a miracle.

As I write this, I realize how often we take what I call miracles for granted until something goes wrong or causes us pain or discomfort. Then, I too often say a few inappropriate words and curse the faulty muscle movement, which I think is the problem. I feel better when I first think: “Thank you for helping me stay alive”. And then attend to my ‘ailment.’

I do not plan to take something to help me feel like a miracle every morning because, after all these years, I have no control over these natural feelings. And I’m afraid that if I do try to control them for a few days, I’ll end up wrecking me.

Please choose to wonder and enjoy the ability to wonder about the wonderful. And I have a wish: That all world leaders will now take a moment and realize that they now have the miraculous power to do more than any other group of people on earth to create peace on earth!

And, all of you bundle of miracles, leaders or not, please count the miracles you are now carrying around with you and think of how they contribute to your ability to love and to . . .

Nurture your heart and refrain from just eating the menu.

Hope for More “I – THOU’S” – Don Hanley's blog #18

About 70 years ago, I read about Martin Buber’s “I – Thou” concept. It changed my life, and I would like to share it with you.

Martin, a young college professor, was responsible for counseling students. One day, a college student who was very depressed came into his office for counseling. Martin said he counseled the fellow for about an hour, and the young man left. A few hours later, another student ran into his office and yelled that the fellow had hung himself – committed suicide.

Martin began reliving that hour with the student and thought he had listened well, was not judgmental, had not played the grand inquisitor, and was warm and kind. He had been an adequate counselor, he thought. He kept thinking of the student for days, and after a while, he realized that there was one thing that he could have done that might have made a difference, and that was Could have changed the counselor-counselee relationship with the fellow.

Martin realized that he had stayed in the role of counselor and left the student in the role of student and counselee. It was a role-to-role encounter, NOT a person-to-person meeting. Martin realized that a healing counseling session is most helpful if the counselor leaves the role of counselor and meets the person as the authentic person he is and not someone in a role. He knew the counseling session was most effective when the counselor allowed and encouraged the counselee to be as authentic as he or she could be. This he called an “I-Thou” encounter.

I have often been asked to explain what an authentic I-Thou encounter looks like. It's like this: When I'm buying groceries and paying at the checkout, I don't feel the need or desire to have a personal connection with the clerk. I always try to be kind and polite, but I don't necessarily want to engage in deep conversation with them.

When I visit a doctor, I want them to see me as a real person, not just a patient. I want them to connect with me on a human level, recognizing that I have thoughts, feelings, senses, and breath. I don't want to be seen as a mere object but as a living, breathing individual. Or if I am working in my place of employment as a ‘boss’ or manager, I want to engage my employees as persons, not as mere functionaries or roles or, especially, as some underling.

If I were an employee, I would like to see my supervisor or boss as an individual rather than just a functionary or a thing. If my boss treats me like a role, I would try to educate them about how I would prefer to be treated. To see some examples of person-centered or I-Thou meetings or encounters, I recommend watching the New Amsterdam series on Netflix.

Dr. Carl Rogers is one of the pioneers of humanistic psychology and psychotherapy. He was highly influenced by the philosophy of Martin Buber and brought about a significant change in the way psychotherapy was practiced. Dr. Rogers did away with the term 'patient' and replaced it with the term 'client.' In fact, he went one step further and referred to the person he was working with as simply 'the person.' Dr. Rogers believed that it was crucial for counselors to be true to themselves and not just act out a role while working with a person.

I am sure that we all have run into physicians, employers, managers, and countless other folks who treat us and others as if we are only roles or functionaries in their presence and not as the living, thinking, feeling, and breathing persons that we really are.

Many people tend to act like functionaries, devoid of feelings and life. We can learn a lot from young children who have not yet learned to ignore their own feelings and those of others. Unfortunately, people are too busy with their day-to-day routines, ignoring the beauty and wonders of the world, especially the people around them.

My friends, continue to grow in authenticity and be sure to . . .

Nurture your heart, and don’t eat the menu!

Embrace Thoughtful Change - Don Hanley's blog #17

Pope Francis is working to change some attitudes toward homosexuality. The Catholic church and many Protestant churches have believed for centuries that homosexuality is sinful – in thought, word, and deed. And this belief and many more began when humanity believed in a very small three-decker universe – heaven, earth, and hell. The vast majority of people have changed their perception of the universe. Now, we must change our beliefs about human behavior and, with it, about human sexual orientation.

I can’t find a good reason for keeping this condemnation of homosexuality. “Orthodox” Christians state that it is in the bible does condemn ‘laying with another man’ but nothing about women. And there are countless other ‘laws’ and rules that condemn human actions as sins but now are not. Is homosexuality condemned because they are “different” in their behavior? Killing people is roundly condemned in the bible and in all religious writings, and yet we readily do it when it is in our interest to do it. We find a reason for killing – “It is self-defense” or “It is to protect our family or our property or community or nation.” We can always find a reason.

I have changed a lot of beliefs and behaviors in my 90+ years of life, and I didn’t need to change my belief about homosexuality, but I did need some education as I was very curious. It seemed odd. I never knew a homosexual person until I was twenty years old. I was shocked and could not imagine it, and that is about all. Oh, I did have a bit of a fear that “they” might try to make me like them, but that idea didn’t stay long.

I wonder if the priests, bishops, and other religious leaders who are condemning Pope Francis are afraid that they will lose some of their absolutist power to control people. Please give it some serious thought and . . . 

Nurture your heart, and don’t eat the menu.