My Awkward Journey Through the Teen Phase– Don Hanley’s Blog #100

When I awkwardly made my way through Phase Three of my Adolescence, the seriousness of the Adult phase was already firmly in place by the time I was 12, and I was working as ‘that little man’ at the lumber yard. I was proud of that, and then I saw the film, Keys of the Kingdom, and decided that I would become a priest because that would be a good way of being a ‘special somebody’.

By becoming a priest, I could avoid the questions about sexuality because they were forbidden to be married and thus did not have sex. I thought I was growing up fast, which would help me be better than I was or any other kid or my brothers. I believe that I was still the child who had feared my ‘down there’ part of myself. So, a shrunken ‘little man’ grew up and. hoping to change the way the Church treated children. I had thought of going to a minor seminary for high school, but I cancelled that when my dad died when I was 14.  I did the ‘manly’ thing and did my best to help my older brothers take care of my mom and sisters by paying the weekly grocery bill and taking care of the yard. Many years later, as a family counselor, I learned that most teens were awkward during those years.

I buckled down even harder at school because I learned that to become a priest, I needed to attend college and possibly even graduate school. I needed to be very smart. None of my older siblings had gone to college, and I thought they were pretty smart, so… When I arrived at the seminary at age 23, I learned that I didn’t need to be so smart; I just needed to be obedient and a good memorizer. And even later, I realized that many priests weren’t even good thinkers. Many even seemed to be stuck in a kind of unhappy third adolescence. When I was a priest, I asked a fellow who had been a priest for 20 years what he thought of the Vatican Council. he proudly replied, “Listen here, young man, I went to the seminary when I was 14, and I haven’t thought of questions like that since. I let the Church do my thinking for me.”  His tone of voice said that I should think like that, too. I remembered getting a cold chill down my spine. I thought of that guy a few years later when a new bishop condemned me with the angry decoration, “You, Father Hanley, are a Free Thinker.”  I felt scolded until a friend said, “Don, that is a compliment!” Now I believe that remaining an obedient child or other-directed adolescent ultimately results in stunted priests and nuns.  

  Recently, I watched a documentary entitled Ordinary Men that depicted German men aged 35 to 50 who were drafted into Hitler’s army. They were too old to go to the ‘front lines’ in the war, but they could line up the Jewish prisoners, who were primarily women and children, and systematically shoot and kill them. Thousands of men were signed up for this duty. I had thought that they were forced to do this or be killed or have family members killed. But the film stated that If they did not obey this order, they were given latrine duty or some such job and labeled ‘cowards’, ‘unpatriotic’, or some such label. The film showed the shooters drinking and having a good time after ‘work’. I guess their early obedience training in early adolescences stayed with them. They told the judges at Nurenberg that “We were just following orders.’  

Again, we need to remember that our five phases of development are always with us – they are not like steps, but various kinds of growth phases. I believe my 92-year journey is just that – a Journey.  And I have learned a great deal and I hope that you have also learned a lot on your journey as well. I have written about the first one-third of my journey in my memoir Finding Flowers in A Little Pile of Shit. Through writing, I learned and added to my knowledge, as well as subtracted some ‘learnings’. And some of my ‘subtractions’ show up at the darnedest times when I thought I had forgotten them. I have experienced a profound sense of wonder when learning about early giftedness in people, such as a 12-year-old in England who composed a complete symphony with music for each of the many instruments in the classical piece. When asked where she got that music, she answered, “In my head. Don’t you have music in your head?” Our human mind and body are amazing things that continually amaze me, keeping me in a state of wonder. I hope it does for you, too. And wonder is one of the characteristics of the Fifth Adolescence.

I learned of this fifth stage of adolescence when I was 34 years old. Professor Boelen at the University of Loyola declared that strains of wonder and other forms of giftedness can appear at any age. Still, they usually blossom forth in full bloom around age 35 to 50 and last ‘until death do us part’.

I hope you are still blossoming forth and not becoming a booming idiot, and not just eating the menus of other people’s thinking.