The Challenge of Self - Acceptance #4

I’ve been asking myself why I’m still alive, breathing, thinking, talking, and sitting here at 90. Maybe it’s because now that I am retired, have lots of time, and have had many life experiences, maybe I should share some thoughts that may help folks. I'll start with my own struggle with self-acceptance. Before I can have high self-esteem, I must accept myself - worts and all. As I mentioned earlier, I started life with the doctor while handing me to my Mom, who said, "Well, Maggie, here's another mouth to feed." I was Mom's ninth baby; two had died, one a baby boy and another an 8-year-old girl.

When I was six years old, in the first grade,  I wet my pants and was sent home. My brother Jim had to take me home and continually called me stupid. When my dad saw my wet pants, he came over and slapped me so hard I fell, calling me “a worthless little pile of shit.” He came after me as I crawled away and hid under the kitchen table; he kicked at me, kicked a chair rung, and yelled, “You little shit.” I was scared to death.

Dad began to holler and fell on the floor, shaking all over. He was having what Mom called a grand mal seizure. Dad flailed his arms, legs, and his whole body. The worst part for me was that I thought it was all my fault. He wouldn't have had that seizure if I weren’t a worthless piece of shit. Years later, I learned that Dad had lots of seizures in those days. After all, he was so depressed because of the Great Depression and lost the farm; he couldn’t find work like about half the men in the entire country. Anyway, I’ve spent most of my life trying to prove to myself and the world that I’m not a worthless pile of shit.

Maybe that’s why I’m still living at age 90 – It has taken me that long to realize that I am a worthwhile, flawed, lovable, and loving person. Even at my age, I still need reminders about accepting myself and what I'm experiencing. Too often, I feel sorry for being so clumsy and dependent on others for simple things. Last night, I dreamed of Nick Vujicic, the fellow who was born without arms or legs. I looked him up on YouTube and was again inspired by his acceptance of his infirmities. And now, for several days, I am more accepting of my aches, pains, and dependencies. And, well. Everything about me - even my monster. I don't have to like everything, but I must accept everything. And I need to be light-hearted about it - as a friend says: "God sees everything all the time, so the least we can do is be entertaining." So, l need to laugh at myself more often. I plan to say more about self-acceptance in my next blog.

Dear reader, spend a few minutes thinking about messages you have received in your life and how they affected you and end your recall with at least three positive messages. Then, begin a habit of nurturing those positive thoughts. Smile and laugh at the clown (yes, we have a clown in ourselves and a monster) in yourself.

Nurture your heart (angel), and don’t eat the menu.