PATRIA – In first person – A QUARRELSOME QUARTET
“I hope that you are noticing that I am looking each one of you in the eyes and using your first names. From the first day of school, we use our first names and ask the students to do the same. We hope they do that in their own families, but we don’t ask about that. And I imagine you are, at least a little bit, wondering why we chose you to be in a foursome with me.” I silently looked at each one, and I could see the questioning in their eyes. “I chose you, Chet, to be in the group with Jack because you two would be the hardest nuts to crack.”
Chet put on a rather stern face and said, “Now, listen here, Young Lady…”
Before he could say another word, I said, “Drop that ‘young lady’ kind of shit, Chet. My name is Patria, and I prefer, and…”
Chet, just as firmly, interrupted me, “And you said I would be a hard nut to crack. My name is Chet, so there.”
“Touché, Chet, I was wrong to say that, and I should have said that we thought that your many years of teaching would make it more difficult to reinvent yourself as an informal and supportive facilitator than those in a younger generation. Is that better?”
“Yes, much better, and I agree with you, and I like it much better than being seen as a ‘hard nut to crack’.” He smiled.
Jack chuckled, “And now, Patria, what kind of nut do you see me being, and why do you see me as one that is hard to crack? Oh, and thanks, Chet, for standing up for us.”
I chuckled and responded, “Okay, Jack, if you are like every other lawyer I’ve ever met or read about, you have spent several years around folks who talk in a language that is quite impersonal and one that most of us don’t fully understand, and I think puts a wall between us. And damnit, I should not have said that – it is not an I-Thou way of talking. So, Jack, I would like to get to know you and for you to get to know me. “ I turned to Kathy and felt more relaxed as I said, “Now, Kathy, please tell us what you are thinking and feeling right now.”
“I’m overwhelmed. I worked and played at Two Thousand Smiles for 13 years, and I didn't feel that much tension until college. Wow, I’m glad you are with me, Patria. I would never have dared to even talk to Jack or Chet. I’m still not sure I want to get to know you guys.”
Chet reached over and put a hand over Kathy’s right hand, “I’m sorry to hear you say that. Kathy. I have two daughters about your age, 32 and 33, and I hope they are not feeling the way you are now. I’ll have to check. What can I tell you that will put me back into your good graces – or maybe get me into your good graces.”
“Now you’re talking like a damn old fool, Chet,” Jack muttered.
I nearly shouted, “Wow! I could never imagine we would start off so… oh… off-putting. Thanks for being so honest, Kathy. And Chet. Now, I know you are a grandpa. Tell me what I can do to get to know you better - as a person who wants to get back into the classroom.”
“I guess the best thing you can do is just encourage me and to correct me when I talk like a know-it-all old man. All three of you are younger than me, and I really don’t know how to be friends with people younger than me, other than knowing them in their roles. That Martin Buber, fellow, I guess, did know how to just be himself, but I don’t think I do.
“Are you just being yourself when you are with your wife?”
Chet dragged a handkerchief out of his pocket and dabbed at a few tears, “Oh shit, I can’t be with my wife. She died three years ago.” He put his head down and murmured, “I’m sorry.”
I felt relieved and glad that Chet shared that, “Well, Chet, I’m not. Thank you. Now I’m getting to know you. And how are you doing? Three years isn’t very long. And are you living alone now?”
Chet took his hanky away from his face, glanced at me as if I were an old friend, “One of my granddaughters is staying with me, and she is a delightful companion. Maybe I can start talking with you like I talk with her.”
Kathy reached over and put a hand on his arm, “Please do, I think I would like to be your granddaughter.”
Again, Chet dragged his handkerchief out of his pocket and, through his tears, muttered, “Thanks, Kathy. Do you have living grandparents?”
“Yes, all four of them. My mom’s folks live in Colorado, and my dad’s live up in Riverside County. I get to see both pairs about once a month. The Colorado ones talk more I-Thou-ish than the other two. So, Jack, do you have kids and if so, how old are they?”
Jack first gave Kathy a ‘none-of-your-business’ kind of look, then caught himself, smiled, and said, “Yes, two daughters, and I see them almost every week.” He saw the questioning looks on the three of us and went on, “I’m divorced because my wife got tired of me being such a dick who spent more time being a big shot attorney than a real life person who didn’t have time or, maybe the desire, to be with them.” He did look a bit ashamed of himself and looked the three of us in the eyes and added, “Maybe you three can help me learn how to be with, I mean, really ‘with’ them in a more, ah, oh yeah, I – Thou kind of way. Oh, and they are both girls, ten and thirteen.”
I said, “Hey, I like you better already. Thank you, Jack.” Kathy and Chet joined me and acknowledged Jack’s openness. I was hungry, and I looked at my watch. My stomach was on time. “So, Julie has set up a nice lunch for us, so let’s take a break. I’m glad that we are ending our morning better than we started.” I didn’t say a word about sitting together, but we all sat down at the same small table and were served lunch. I explained to my quartet that the Smiles students were served lunch by a senior person every school day, and two big brothers and/or sisters sat down with four students, and that the dining hall was relatively quiet during the school year.
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