ON BECOMING A FACILITATOR –Chapter Twenty Eight

SAM – ON BECOMING A FACILITATOR 

Patria and I arrived at the college at the same time on Tuesday. Patria immediately started apologizing for hogging the entire afternoon on Monday. “Sam, I didn’t sleep well at all last night. And I can’t blame it on anyone but myself. I still feel guilty for taking the entire afternoon with my rant on education and my explanation for having our Smiles schools. I hope you will forgive me!”

I smiled and gave her a big hug. “Hey, Partner, you don’t need to be forgiven. All the time you were talking, I was looking over our little crowd. No one, absolutely no one, was bored. They were mesmerized by your presentation – you engaged them with your enthusiasm, your conviction, and your articulation. I’m guessing we all needed to hear the reasons we are doing what we are doing.” I handed her a rather heavy package of papers and said, “And to prove I am not disappointed in you, I have 14 copies of your presentation. I think everyone wanted a copy, and I made a few extra copies.” She held the copies to her chest and bent over and kissed me on the cheek and whispered ‘thank you’.

Just then, Jack Ross joined us and looked very different from Monday, and it was not just his outfit. He was dressed in well-worn khaki pants and a bright blue polo shirt under a light gray button-down sweater, unbuttoned. He gave us a welcome, friendly, and relaxed smile, or was it a bit of a smirk? He did look genuinely relaxed, as if he was enjoying being alive. He seemed like a different guy, but I knew from experience that no one felt more than a passing bit of euphoria after only one day. He looked at both Patria and me and said, “I hope I’m not interrupting anything. “  We both shook our heads, and he looked at Patria and continued. “I just want to tell you that I was very moved by your whole program yesterday, especially your presentation in the afternoon, Dr. O.. ah, Patria. I am looking forward to today’s experience. Uh, ah, I’m really not planning to be a facilitator in one of your schools, but I am going to begin a new assignment this January. I am going to be a part-time faculty coordinator at a law school in L.A., and it is all new to me. I was talking with a friend in the Bay area and she suggested that I attend this program if I could.” He glanced questioningly at each of us, and  I guess he saw some encouragement as he went on, “And I, uh, well, I fudged a bit about my reason for being here. I had to pay a bit extra to squeeze into this one.” 

I reached over and put a hand on his shoulder and said, “Please take a deep breath, Jack, and continue.” I had checked with our principal about how he had managed to get in, as we had always limited enrollment to ten. She told me that his ‘bit extra he had paid was ten thousand dollars and that we, i.e., the school, needed the extra dollars.

He smiled, “Thanks, Sam, I just hope you won’t kick me out. See, I’m already learning to talk differently. Law school was all ‘kick ass and take names,’ and I wanted some kind of a more human way of being with people.”  Patria and I both laughed, and Jack smiled.  I had told Patria about the extra dollars, and she agreed that that was a good reason for us to be patient with him.

After a few minutes of dancing and singing, Patria began the day, “Well, that woke me up. I hope it woke you up, too.” They all smiled, mumbled an ascent, or nodded their heads. “I won’t lecture you again this morning but I do want to tell you that early on, Haloran and his first team decided that there was just too much age segregation in our society and it started with schools, so all of our schools are Kindergarten through the twelfth grade and beginning with the fifth grade, each student is paired off with a ninth grader of the same gender. So, every fifth=grader has a ninth-grade brother or sister for one year. And we hope, longer. Every sixth grader has a tenth grader and so on, each year. They eat lunch together two times a week. Also, parents and other adult relatives are invited to join us every morning, if they wish. So sometimes, we’ll have three hundred folks stomping around at nine in the morning. When the second semester begins, we invite you to join us one morning and experience the beginning of our school day. Most visitors are always amazed at how orderly and quickly the students go into their classrooms. Now, let’s hear some questions.”

Chet, our ‘elderly’ applicant, asked, “How do you handle the misbehaving student?” Patria asked him what kind of behavior he was thinking about, and he said, “Oh, pushing or shoving or throwing things - little things like that.” 

Patria replied, “I hope you will learn the answer to that before the end of this week, Chet. I’ll just say we never use any kind of punishment. In our thinking, punishment just teaches fear, anger, and suspicion. I can’t remember the last time I saw that kind of behavior..” All but Jack and Chet nodded, and those two shook their heads as if to say they had their doubts. 

I relieved Patria of the host role and said, “We have found that if we respect the students, they will respect one another and will respect us.” Chet asked, “How do you get the parents involved?”

“That is a very important question, Chet, and we do demand it, and we know that demand is a strong word we rarely use but we do insist on it. We also insist that parents attend a six-week class on our school's philosophy. We discuss our philosophy and methodology with them in the same way we are discussing these ideas and procedures with you this week. Except we don’t expect the parents to get to know one another as well as we hope you all get to know one another.“ Chet and others nodded that they understood. 

Jack said, “I heard that you admitted a boy last Fall, first without his parents but with his two sisters and his mother without any kind of preparation. Wasn’t that a violation of your rules?”

I wondered how he had heard of Danny and the rest of the Sheridan family. I mentally set my question aside and said, “Yes, it was an exception. But zi wouldn’t call it a violation. We do our best to have clear procedures but not absolute rules.  A social worker discovered the boy and learned that he had escaped from a very dangerous home in another state, and hoped to somehow rescue his mother and siblings. We helped him do that. The social worker was a graduate of Smiles and knew our principal and me, and we invited him into my cohort. He fits in well and has been both helpful to our cohort group, and we have been a haven for him. How do you know about him and his family?” Jack responded that he had just heard about them from a fellow at his office. That did not sound right to me. And I would explore this further later. Back to today…

 “Last evening, Patria and I divided our group, including her and me, into three groups of four. We believe our groupings are divided into four people who will be good teachers to one another. Oh, and we believe that everyone, from the time we are born, is constantly learning from those around us and from our environment. In a way, we hope that the ten of you will get as open and close to one another in one week, as our students do in a semester. Changing the subject, this morning, I got a call from Neil Stanley, our youngest participant, who told me that he was calling from the hospital where his wife was having their first baby, so he would have to drop out of our training. He and his wife hoped that the little rascal would wait a week. And just a few minutes ago, he called to tell me they had a boy and both mom and baby are doing great.” Everyone clapped, and I added, “The only good thing about it is that we now have twelve people for three groups of four. I’ll take Neil’s place in one group.” 

Just as the last participant sat down, I motioned for everyone to get back up. Julie started the music from The King and I – “Whenever I Am Afraid,” and we all began to dance. Even Jack was light on his feet, unlike yesterday. I thought that Roaman even wagged his tail and moved with the music. I, the old, grizzled veteran of this training, was more relaxed than on Monday. As soon as we sat down, Chet, the ‘old guy,’ said, “That was a very appropriate song for me for today. I’ve been a teacher for thirty years, and I believe I have been a fairly good one, but, looking back, I was too much of a strict disciplinarian. I like what you are trying to do here, and I hope I can get out of my old role as a ‘don’t smile till Christmas’ kind of asshole.’ Even saying ‘asshole’ was a crime.” He stopped, grinned, and sang off-key, “Whenever I’m afraid, I’ll hold my head up high.” We all laughed. I read off the list for each four-person group and asked everyone to join their foursome and place their chairs to face one another. At the beginning of Monday, we informed the entire ten that we were recording the goings on in the training. I had asked Patria to make sure she was recording her foursome clearly, as I would like to digest it later. This is my digest of her group discussions:

NURTURING FREE THINKING School of Two Thousand Smiles–Chapter Twenty Seven

  NURTURING FREE THINKING

SAM

Patria began the afternoon session with a lively talk about education itself. “We will often come back to the I – Thou, but now I want to talk about education and why Dr. Haloran and others began this kind of school. I want to start with a simple question. You don’t need to answer it out loud. Think about this question: Did the school you went to encourage you to think for yourself? Four nodded in the affirmative, and one of the four said, “I went to Two Thousand Smiles.” The other three said they went to similar schools. The seven others shook their heads vigorously: well, all but Jack Ross, who simply nodded. “Most people say at first, how well they learned what the assigned books and the teachers told them was the correct way to think, and then they would realize that they were really told what and how to think.

For most of human history, only a few people were educated. Priests and ministers were educated by religionists, among the few who could read. Outside religious circles, the wealthy and ruling class folks, and they hired teachers for their own families. Ordinary people learned by simply living, and that did not include reading. Universal schooling — education for everyone — is a very recent idea, only a couple of hundred years old. It began with hope but was shaped by fear. When governments created mass education, they wanted educated citizens — but they also wanted order, predictability, and control. So, schools were designed not just to awaken minds, but to manage them.” Patria gracefully and gently went to the whiteboard and picked up an erasable dry marker. “Look at how most schools work…” She wrote and said, “Bells decide when you move. “Below that, “Schedules decide what matters most.” Then, “One voice speaks, many listen.” Then, “Answers are graded and compared.”

Patria sat back down in the circle and said gently but with authority, “None of this is cruel by itself, but none of it was created to help you discover your own inner authority. Up until recently, nearly all education was established to teach children what various authorities - religious, political parties, labor leaders, and others- wanted them to learn. There were always educators who believed children are naturally curious and learn best through experience. But those ideas were slow and messy — and hard to measure. Efficiency won. Control replaced trust. Independent thinking didn’t disappear; it just became inconvenient. Factories needed people who followed instructions and didn’t ask too many questions. Schools began to look like factories because factories paid the bills. Independent thinking wasn’t forbidden. It was labeled ‘disruptive.’ Human consciousness, more particularly student consciousness, was expanded – but only as much as the establishment, i.e., the government, political, religious, and traditional authorities, allowed.

“By the mid-20th century, fear tightened everything. Fear of being different. Fear of falling behind. Fear of thinking the wrong thing. Students learned an unspoken lesson: Don’t think too deeply or too differently — it slows things down. Here’s the key point. Independent thinking was never removed from education. It was postponed. We were told, “Later.” “After the test.” “After graduation.” But a mind that waits too long for permission often forgets it ever had it. Let me be clear: Independent thinking does not mean rebellion or disrespect. It means listening carefully, questioning gently, holding uncertainty, and choosing kindness even when no one is watching. Fear cannot teach a person to think. It can only teach them to comply. So, at our schools, we’ll end with one question. What kind of thinker do you want to become — now? We believe that the world does not need more obedient people. It needs people who can think clearly, feel deeply, and act with compassion. We, you and I, were born with that ability. Education should help you remember it — not train you to forget.”

Throughout the talk, Patria stood, walked around, even danced, gracefully sat back down,  got back up, and generally kept the little audience awake with her gentle conviction and quiet authority.  She glanced at her watch and nearly shouted, “Wow, I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ve ever preached like that before. I think I am reacting to the reports of hurt, depression, suicides, and negative behavior heaped on children and teens. So, t thank you for listening.” This time, she was given a round of applause when she sat down.

I got up and said, “And, Patria, I’ll add my ‘Wow’ to yours. That was a wonderful speech, and I’m sure you want our audience here to know that we never, ever, want our facilitators or teachers to lecture our students but to engage with them. So, Patria, why did you decide to lecture us?” I’m sure I asked this in a way that showed her I was not displeased with her. She responded that she was reacting to the many reports of suicide, depression, child abuse, and hurt that are reported, and that millions of children and adolescents have no nurturing haven to go to. Home, always somewhat limited, became even more so because both parents are working.  Home was no longer  ‘home’.

One after another, applicants told Patria that they really liked her impassioned presentation and wanted copies of it. Even Jack Ross wanted a copy and added, “I’m really glad you gave us that speech, Dr. Otieno. You gave me a very scholarly reason for why you all have created schools that nurture students' free and creative thinking. I’m looking forward to learning how you do that, or at least attempt to do it. I’m still a bit doubtful.“

I stood up and said, “And with that, we’ll break for today and look forward to seeing you tomorrow at 9:00.”

ENRICHING WANNABE FACILITATORS’ HEARTS–Chapter Twenty Six

SAM – ENRICHING WANNABE FACILITATORS’ HEARTS 

As I drove into the San Marcos State University's faculty parking lot, I realized I was unconsciously singing Oh What a Beautiful Morning. I’m sure it was because I was feeling good about our Christmas vacation. All four of us - me, Alice, Jerry, and Micaela – everyone in the family stayed healthy. And that was wonderful. And I was looking forward to co-facilitating a new group of facilitators for our new Smiles Monte Vista school. 

My group training partner will be Patria Otieno, a beautiful African-American woman who was as enlightened as any tator I’ve ever met and as beautiful as she is intelligent. I smiled as I thought about Alice’s comment as she kissed me goodbye this morning with, “And you be a perfect gentleman with your partner, the Nubian Princess, or I’ll cut off both your balls.”

“And if I’m not perfect, only one ball?” I quipped as I closed the door before her shoe hit me. My smile got richer when the princess met me in the hall and gave me a warm ‘I-Thou’ hug and led me to the comfortable faculty lounge.  It was far plusher and more comfortable than our K–12 school's faculty meeting room. That one would never pass as a lounge. Three participants were already there, and Patria introduced me to them. Before the others arrived, Patria and I had a brief discussion about who would begin our first session. We had met over the weekend and outlined our first two sessions, and she asked me to be the first presenter. We were both dressed casually, as we usually were.  Our Collie-Shepherd guard dog had already given the three early ones a passing grade, and Roaman abandoned them, then came over and gave Patria and me a friendly wag of the tail as a greeting.  Anne Janklow, our campus policewoman, had learned that Roaman was retiring from a southern Cal city police force and talked our school council into employing him as our school guard dog in case Bruce Norse, Danny Sherman’s assailant, decided to ‘pay’ Danny back for sending him to the hospital. I think Anne just fell in love with the beautiful dog and planned to keep him at her home when he wasn’t at school.  Everyone at school fell in love with him, too. So, it was a win-win endeavor.

We chatted with the first three, two women and one man, who all looked like they were teachers or counselors and were in their thirties. They seemed confident and relaxed as we awaited the rest of our participants. Our fourth arrival was a surprise. He was a gray-haired man who looked to be in his 50’s or early 60’s. He had a friendly, relaxed smile and looked to be a lean, athletic fellow, about 5’10 “, mixed ethnic background and a bit darker than me. His name was Steve Cooper and I hope he was applying for a possible tator position, not for another school position. He took Patria’s hand, and I welcomed two more women – a white and a Hispanic – and both looked relaxed and friendly, and I thought I had seen them before. The darker one confirmed that, as they informed me that they had met me at the Spring California Teachers’ Association Conference a year ago. The seventh one, although dressed in jeans, a plaid shirt, and a khaki jacket, didn’t look like an educator. I have never seen a teacher wearing all new casual clothes and seemed so uncomfortable around other teachers. Even Roaman stiffened in a way he had not done before. The last four were appropriately relaxed and wearing multi-washed clothes, and Roaman wagged his tail in his welcoming manner. We now have 11 applicants in our training group – 5 women and 6 men. 

All were present before 9:00 a.m., and that was a good sign, I thought.  Patria and I did not want to start promptly, so we could allow ourselves and the others to mix with everyone or not, as they chose. We had discovered in earlier training sessions that those who did not mix easily were not among our chosen tators. Most of the applicants were clustered around Julie, our graduate student and assistant teacher, who had been hired as our ‘gofer’ and helper for the day. She was a gracious hostess and had selected a nice array of drinks and pastries for us. I kept an eye on our stiff new clothes guy as he seemed even more uncomfortable in the relaxed atmosphere and obviously had to work to be one of the teachers, if he was one. Patria asked everyone to take a seat in the circle of thirteen chairs. I passed out a sheet of paper with our six-day schedule – the sixth day would be a time for one-to-one meetings with each applicant.

 Patria and I sat next to one another with Roaman curled up between us. We, of course, became the center of the gathering. I began, “As you know, all of you are applying to become facilitators at our new Thousand Smiles school in Monte Vista this coming year. This week, we hope to create a relaxed, open, and friendly atmosphere that reflects the atmosphere of our current two North County schools. Patria has been a tator for six years at Monte Vista Smiles, and I have been a student and a tator for a total of twelve years at Two Thousand Smiles. Her school is almost as good as mine…” Patria punched me lightly on the arm, and I went on…” and honestly, we are friendly cooperators, not rivals, as we want our students to be. I attended Two Thousand Smiles for my last three years of high school, and then served as a teaching assistant during my two postgraduate years after my B.A. work. I can say that I enjoy my time at Smiles. Now, Patria,” I gave a slight bow in her direction.”

“Thank you, Sam, and thank all of you for being here with us today and hopefully for the week.  As I hope all of you know, our schools are set up to encourage students to grow physically, psychologically, socially, and to be free thinkers. As free thinkers, we also mean to be critical thinkers who make decisions about nearly everything and to be joyful learners. I’m sure most of you know that we always begin our school day with a few minutes of song and dance. We would like to give you a taste of that now to begin our day. So, please stand and join me. We’ll begin with one of my favorite songs.” Patria nodded to Julie, and Julia pushed the button, and we heard “Getting To Know You” from The King and I. Patria turned to me, and I bowed slightly to her, and we began to dance with the person next to us, and everyone began to move to the rhythm of the song. You can guess who seemed most uncomfortable. Julie added a second recording that had a more rapid beat. When that song ended, Patria and I bowed to each other and the group, and I gestured for all of us to sit. Even our stiff gentleman was smiling as we sat down.

Patria looked over our seemingly happy little crowd and said, “You all look happy and relaxed, and that is our intention – now and every morning of the school year. One of our inspirational philosophers is an early-20th-century figure named Martin Buber, who coined the term ‘I – Thou’. Sam, please tell us the story and experience that inspired Martin.

“Thanks, Patria,” I turned and looked around the group, “I always tell this story when I want to explain the I – Thou concept. When Martin Buber was a beginning professor at a university in Germany in the l920s. At that time, all new teachers were required to be available to counsel students when needed. One afternoon, a very depressed student, about twenty years old, came to see Dr. Buber. Buber counseled the fellow for about an hour, and a few hours later, another student rushed into Buber’s office and told him that the depressed student had hanged himself. He was dead.” 

I paused so they all could just feel the impact of this story. and then went on, “Like all of us would have done, Buber endlessly thought of the hour or so he had spent with the fellow and wondered what he could have done differently or better and might have given the guy some hope. Examining the hour, he thought he had been a good listener - he had not over-advised nor acted superior or like a pretentious know-it-all. He had been, Buber decided, a decent counselor. But he continued to be haunted by the boy’s suicide. After several days, he had what we would call an ‘Ah – ha’ experience: Buber realized that he, Martin Buber, remained in the role of counselor throughout the time with the fellow and allowed the depressed fellow to remain in the role of the distressed student. It was an ‘I – It’ encounter, and he should have made it a completely unguarded connecting encounter between him, the older and caring person, and the younger fellow, who was a very distressed young man. Buber realized that he had NOT been himself when he met with the young man. It was not what he later called an I – Thou encounter but an I – It, non-connecting meeting. Buber described an “I – Thou” encounter as one in which a meeting allows loving and enlightening energy to flow between two people. Of course, Buber realized it may not have made a difference, but he didn’t even begin to get to know and feel the energy of the boy.”  I looked around, and everyone seemed to understand me, and ten of the eleven smiled but not Jack Ross, whom I had been calling ‘New clothes guy’, who looked puzzled. I continued, “We want all our staff and students to make their communications, I - Thou.  And I am doing that now? I hope I am sounding like the real person I am, and not sounding like a professor lecturing you?”

I believe all but Jack Ross shouted, said, or mumbled that I sounded real. I added, "Of course Martin Buber emigrated to the U.S., as Germany was not open to free-thinking people in the 1930's." 

I had developed a bit of tension as I told the story, so I took a deep breath and relaxed back into my chair. Everyone was quiet and hopefully contemplating what I was trying to say. Michelle, a dark-complexioned young woman, said, “I think I felt more connected with some members of our group here than others. So, I‘m wondering if that is normal – do we all connect more easily, or openly, with one person than another?” 

Patria let me rest and said, “Yes, definitely. Sometimes, it is because of our own prejudice and closed-mindedness- and sometimes it is because the other person is not open to us. And sometimes we encounter someone who is not open to anyone. Young children, toddlers even, are naturally open little creatures; if they live in a safe and comfortable environment, they will let people get close. I’ll give an example; I have an aunt who is a close-minded old fuss-budget. She was visiting us when our daughter was three, and my aunt Hazel. The grumpy fuss-budget wanted to hold our daughter, April, on her lap. April would have none of that. April wouldn’t go near Aunt Hazel, and when Hazel managed to take hold of one of her arms, April screamed bloody murder, escaped and ran to me. Of coarse Hazel informed us that we were raising a child who was now becoming a hell-raiser. I knew that if I tried to explain my thoughts on that, I would not be understood, so I just said, “You really think so?” She responded, “I certainly do!” and left our misguided house.

As Patria continued to share her experience with the I – Thou, I reflected on my first encounter with her. It was in her training week, just like the present one, except that she was one of the applicants. At the end of the week, during a one-on-one with her, she told me she had discovered that her looks had become a barrier to her ability to have I–Thou encounters with other adults, just as they had in high school. She said she had never been asked out on a date until she was in college, when she met a bold foreign-exchange student from Kenya. I interrupted her and told her that I would never have attempted to ask her out if I had been in high school with her. She was shocked by that and asked why. I had said, “Because you are too beautiful and you would not even think about going out with someone like me.” Her mouth dropped, open and she said, "You gotta be kidding. You are a good-looking guy, yourself. I would have felt honored, I’m sure.” That was the first time she realized that her beauty was a problem instead of a gift. Now, I felt proud of her, as I saw and heard her very clear and relaxed presentation on the I – Thou.

We continued to discuss how best to have an informative, personal, and relaxed conversation in our classes and, hopefully, in future cohorts. After our morning coffee break,  I was glad to hear Jack Ross begin to talk about his concerns. His first question, “What if a person, or a student of any age, says that he does not want to be open and friendly as you…” He nodded toward Patria and me, “… as we have been talking about? What do you do?”

Patria nodded to me, and I’m sure she thought that I would be
better to talk with Jack than she would be.  I said, “Thanks, Jack, for the question. We all have a real and unprotected self within us. I have an infant and toddler at home, and I can already see my toddler, Jerry, learning to cover his inner self when he is around new people until he is sure it is safe. I hope you feel more open and friendly right now than you did this morning at 9:00. Is that right?” Jack nodded, and I continued. “Good, and I hope you will continue to become more open. If you wish to become a tutor at a school like Two Thousand Smiles, or even work in any capacity in any of our schools. I would even like to live in a world where everyone you see is increasingly open and friendly,” I looked around the entire small group and added, “And, of course, that is true for everyone. If a person does not want to be open and develop their connectivity – how’s that for a six-bit word?- then they would be asked to find work elsewhere. We only want to have an increasingly enlightened staff. Does that answer your question, Jack?”

“Then that person would be fired, right?” He paused and then added, “What about the stubborn student?”

I chuckled, “For the adult, I prefer to say, ‘let go.’, ‘Find employment elsewhere.’  Or some such, ‘Fired’ sounds so unfriendly. And if a student seems very reluctant to put effort into becoming more open and respectful person, we provide counseling because we believe the student has developed such a hard crust that he or she is afraid to interact with  others and be open to people of all ages. So, Jack, is that better?”

He muttered something that sounded like, “I guess.”

Patria began, “We have been talking about using words to connect with one another. Our bodies, especially our facial expressions, tell the world about how open, warm, or cold, or friendly we are. Now, I would like all of us to mosey around the room, make contact, and/or ignore those around us. Be aware of your own feelings as you mosey around. I like that word, ‘mosey’, it sounds warm and friendly.” 

I really enjoyed Patria’s relaxed and gentle manner, and I began to mosey by taking her hands and dancing around the room. We made only a few awkward steps, let go, and went in opposite directions. One of the younger males followed my lead, took Patria’s hands, and tried to pull her close, but she gently pushed him out to arm's length. He grinned and put on an 'oh woe is me’ kind of face. I began to simply enjoy the spectacle of 13 adults, mostly smiling, moving around. Even Jack Ross began to look more relaxed.