SAM- With Danny on BEING A SEXUAL PERSON
On Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I asked Danny to meet with me after classes. I wanted to meet on Monday, but I couldn’t find the time before I saw Danny and Ella heading down the sidewalk. After all that had been happening, I was surprised to see Danny smiling and relaxing when he came into our cohort room. I said, “Well, Danny, tell me what brings that smile to your face?”
I remembered my own embarrassment when talking or even thinking about sex and all that goes with it, so I just smiled and waited a moment or two, and then said, “Well, Danny, my friend, welcome to the embarrassing world of teens and the lucky males all over the world.” I grinned and put my hand on his shoulder. “Well, my man, I am guessing that this is your first love. Am I right?” He gave me a delightful smile and nodded. I went on, “I remember my first girlfriend. I was a bit older and in high school.” Danny looked interested and curious, so I told him her name, “Ginny was her name, and I started hanging around with her between classes and I walked her home after school. I don’t think I ever told her I loved her, but we spent a lot of time together before we both went away to college. Have you told Ella that you love her?” He nodded, and I went on, “Danny, I believe that the warm, caring love between a boy and a girl is a beautiful and life-giving thing, and it also takes a lot of patience for both of you. Often feelings or emotions act like they are driving us to touch another in every way possible.” Danny seemed to blush, and I continued, “That is a beautiful thing but one needs to listen to their mind at these times and realize that this drive to have sex is a natural action but must be kept under control until each partner is ready, physically, relationally, and even financially to get married and be together for even a possible life-time. I’m sure you are not ready for that, but it is part of the natural, beautiful process. And, for now, enjoy your time with Ella and be patient with yourself – and with her. Okay? And you said that you have told her that you love her, right?” He nodded and asked, “Did she tell you that she loves you, too?”
He nodded and looked like he wasn’t sure, and his confusion showed, but he continued talking at a fast pace as if the world would end if he stopped too quickly. “Oh, and she told me that she loved me too. I didn’t tell my mom, and you are the only one. Ella’s family invited my family and me to Thanksgiving dinner, and I was surprised when my mom accepted. It will be the first time we’ve ever eaten with another family – like forever.” He took a deep breath and sighed.
i picked up the conversation and said, "Danny I want to say a few more words on sexuality, Humans are sexual creatures just like all other animals. One of our big differences is that we can choose who nd when we can make sexual contacts. What I said earlier about a sexual relationship between you and Ella can be a beautiful thing - if you plan it in a life-giving way - a way that can be positive for both of you. Rape - when a guy forces himself on a girl when she has no choice in the matter - is not a positive thing for either of them, And when both have a thoughtless sex just because they feel like it, may not be a completely negative thing but it is not a life-giving and love enhancing thing either,"
There is a great deal more to say on the subject but I wanted it to rest for now. So I asked Danny, “Has our conversation about sex been helpful?” He nodded, and I said, “I want to change the subject, Danny, and talk about your ‘vicious’ attack on ‘poor’ Bruno Barnes. ' I was smiling, and that helped Danny smile too. “You indicated that you rather lost control and hurt him like you wanted to hurt Ratso back in Mississippi. Is that right?” He nodded. “I understand, and Bruno didn’t get more than he deserved, but now you need to learn how to let go of the anger that you have been carrying around over all your years of abuse from your stepdad. I would like you to see one of the other counselors here at Smiles. I’m thinking of Steve Jacobs, or would you prefer a woman?”
“I’m scared of whoever he or she is. Sam, do you think I’m, uh, crazy or something?”
“No, Danny, I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you have been deeply hurt, and you need to work to heal your wounds. When would you like to see Steve? And I’ll set it up, okay? And I’m glad that your family will be joining the Halorans for Thanksgiving. Just enjoy the positive feelings you have for Ella. They are natural and normal, and you don’t need to do anything; just accept them. Ginny and I never did go ‘all the way’ as they said in those days. Do they still say that?"
Danny nodded and said, "Yeah, I think so. and, uh, Sam, thanks a lot, I don't think I ever could have brought this up to anyone else, so thank you for being, well, you"
He put out his hand and I shook it and, again, patted him on the shoulder. +
say, and I often really wanted to. But we weren’t ready. We’ll talk about it again. You won’t melt and you won’t explode, so just ‘be’ and I know that that is often quite difficult. And I think you are up to it.” He nodded, and I patted him on the shoulder and said, “Now, let us both enjoy a nice and comfortable Thanksgiving and four days away from this place.” I hoped he would not spend all four days worrying about counseling.
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