DANNY
I didn’t feel any of the fear like I would have last year, if I had been called into anyone’s office. I came back to our cohort room, and the door was open, and Sam, in his deep and smooth announcer's voice, said, “Hey, Danny, please close the door and join me up here.” He was sitting by the recently erased whiteboard. That reminded me that he had other cohorts besides the one I attended this morning. He motioned me to the closest chair.
“Well, my good man, tell me about how you feel after your first day at Two Thousand Smiles. I see a bit of a smile. Does that mean you only feel a bit good about your day?”
That is the first time in my life that any teacher or any adult in a school ever asked me how I felt. So, I wasn't sure how to answer that, so I nervously blurted out, "This has been the wackiest day in my life. Uh, no, the wackiest good day in my life. I, uh, oh shit, I don’t know how to talk to you at all. Sorry, Sir.”“I think I heard a bit of a stutter when you corrected yourself about the wacky day. Please tell me about that non-happy wacky day.”
For some damn crazy reason, I said, “I thought about the day two years ago when dad was away at some police conference in Jackson, the capital of Mississippi. Mom decided that she needed us to run away from home. Her idea was to go to Memphis, the largest city near us. She pleaded with someone to take us there after Dad left, but she couldn’t find anyone. I don’t think she knew many people to ask. We took a Greyhound bus.” I was shaking even thinking of that time.
I glanced over at Sam, and he was waiting but didn’t seem to be impatient at all, just concerned. I was sure he’d think I was crazy if I told him because I didn’t know why I even thought of it in the first place.
I think it was several minutes before he said, “I’m guessing, Danny, that day was a helluva bad day you’re remembering – like a very hurtful day. I hope you’ll go on and tell me more.“
“Thank you, uh, Sir.”
“Again, please call me Sam. Sir makes me feel old. So, tell me about the bad wacky day.”
I think his voice sounded like the warmest man’s voice I’d ever heard in my life. I started blubbering, and through my tears, I told him that Dad had married Mom when she was only fifteen and he was more than twice as old as her, somewhere in his thirties or forties." I took a deep breath and went on, deciding to tell him the truth, and I didn’t pay any attention to the words I used. If he told me to talk like a proper young student, I would tell him to go to hell and leave this phony place.
“He’s a horrible asshole, and I hate his guts, and I’m worried about my mom and my two little sisters because that bastard will hurt them and even kill my mom. Mom and the three of us kids went to Memphis when ol’ asshole was away, and the most horrible thing happened when we got to the city and got off the bus. There was our dad standing there. I froze, and he grabbed Mom and acted like he was hugging her, but really, he was squeezing her so hard he almost killed her. Then he ordered us all to get into his sheriff’s car, and when we got home, he ordered the girls to go upstairs. Then he dragged Mom up the stairs, struck her, threw her down the stairs, ran down the stairs, and started hitting and kicking her. I know he went upstairs with her so he could say she fell down the stairs. He wanted me to watch all this so I would know what was coming for me, and then he walloped me. I blacked out.
While mom was passed out, he took her to the hospital. I’m sure he told them she fell down the stairs, and I’m sure nobody believed him because he’d said that before, and everybody was scared of him.” I said all this through gallons of tears, and I just sat there bawling like a baby. I finally turned off my crybaby self and said, “And that’s my bad wacky day, Sam.”
Sam sat there, and I looked up and was surprised to see that he was crying, too. I don’t think I ever saw a grown man cry before, except in the movies. We sat there in silence for I don’t know how long, and then he said, “Wacky isn’t a word for that day, Danny. Horrible comes to mind. Thank you for telling me about it. And how long was your mom in the hospital, and oh. What is her first name?”
I said, “Marge. The doctors just bandaged her up, put a cast on her broken leg, and sent her home. He told me that the hospital people told him that he should get someone to take care of her for at least four weeks while her broken right leg and left ankle healed. And he got a caretaker, all right – me. I was my mom’s caretaker for over three months, until the end of the school year, which I flunked. I was nine, almost ten, and I had a hard time turning mom over in bed, and she got some awful sores that dad just said were called ‘bed sores’ and that everybody who had to stay in bed a lot got them. And he said I needed to turn her over more often. He would only come into the bedroom to get clothes and stuff, and I don’t think the shithead ever even looked at mom. Nobody was allowed in the house, and my sister Susan missed first grade for the school year, too. I’m sorry for talking so much.” I was glad to have someone to tell about how mom was treated and what a sonofabitch dad was and is.
Sam scooted his chair over and put his arm around me, and that felt so good. I started blubbering all over again. “My lord, Danny, that is the saddest story I’ve ever heard. I spoke with Clare Danley, your social worker, and she shared some information about your family situation in Mississippi. She said that your dad sounded like an ancient evil tribal chief, king, or some kind of tyrant. Before we talk more about your horrible day, I would like to hear how you felt today. Most importantly, do you feel safe here? And feel a little joy, too?”
“Yeah, I almost forgot about what school was like in ol’ Mississippi, but I kept wondering when the hammer would fall on my head and I’d wake up to that old world of mine.” Sam must be the most patient older man I’ve ever met, cuz he just kept looking at me like I was the only person in his world - I mean, in a good way. “Everyone is so damn nice, it’s uh, unreal, and Ella is…what did you call her, oh yeah, a great gal. She is that. She’s patient and kind, just like you. Thank you for assigning her to be my guide. And it seems like every hour, something new and different is happening. Back at the old school, we all sat there, getting bored, and worked hard to avoid falling asleep and getting detention. I think all the adults – teachers, vice principals, and well, every-damn-buddy – hate kids and need a job. Do you all really like us, or are you putting on an act? Right now, I get the feeling that you like me and…” I started blubbering again, damn . “and…damn, there I go again, sorry.”
Sam reached behind him, grabbed a handful of tissues, and handed them to me. “Danny, I do care, and I do believe that every adult on our staff does genuinely care about our students and care about one another. Now, I do have a concern about ol’ asshole. Oh, and I don’t think asshole is a good word for him. Assholes serve a useful purpose, and as far as I can tell, your dad is, for me, more like a rattlesnake. I hate rattlesnakes and don’t think they have any good use at all. They just hurt people – sounds like your pa, wouldn’t you say?”
I did manage to smile about his comments. Not only did I not get scolded for using the word asshole but I got corrected for it in a funny way. ”Now, Sam, what are your concerns about ol’ Rattlesnake?”
“Well, you know Clare Danley found you on the internet after searching for missing boys in the United States. And now I’m worried that Deputy Rattlesnake can do the same thing and find you here. I told Clare that we should keep your last name as ‘White’ for now, but your dad…I hate to call him ‘dad’… it will make the connection just like Clare did. But maybe it will take him a while longer. At least we hope so. So, Danny, tell me, is he a killer? I now know he’s cruel and vicious, but does he murder people with his guns?”
“I don’t know for sure, but he has killed three or four people in the line of duty. At least that is what he says, but there’s nobody to challenge him on that. I know that one of them was his dad because I saw it. Grampa had gotten on his case about him being so mean to my mom, and they argued about it. My Rattlesnake, hey, I thought of a name for him, ‘Ratso’, anyway, he told Grampa to shut the fuck up or he’d beat him the hell up. Grampa told him to go to hell, and Ratso beat him to death. He told the men who arrived in an ambulance that Grandpa had fallen down the stairs, but he didn’t mention that they were in the living room. I was only five years old and he told me not to tell anybody and, uh, Sam, you are the only one I’ve told.” My voice quivered when I added, “He’ll kill me, I know he would, if he found out.”
“Don’t worry, Danny, I’ll only tell someone if and when he’s in jail and I am present in a courtroom. God, I’m talking to you like you’re a grownup, aren’t I?”
I just wish I had a wonderfully smooth voice like his. “Yeah, and I like it. Nobody has ever done that before. All adults talked to me like I was just a kid – except you and Miss Danley. You know, Sam, that’s what I like best about this school – I’m treated like a person – a real live person who thinks and feels. So, thank you.” We both stood up, and Sam hugged me even though my nose was right at his chest. And his hug made me cry again.
Sam held me out in front of him and looked me in the eyes and said, “Danny, I am worried that your dad might come here to California to get you. Now, as you know, the internet is brilliant these days, and it can find nearly anything or anyone for us. From what you are saying, your dad might bring an automatic rifle and demand that you come with him. I don’t want to expel you from school because I believe this is a good place for you to heal and potentially find safety. I don’t want to alert the whole school to the possibility of a madman coming into our school, as that would scare the hell out of everyone. I can make sure we have maybe two more policemen without uniforms.”
“I like the idea of more policemen. I didn’t know we already had one, so I’m not sure what else to do. Dad is a big man – not fat but tall and very muscular. He likes to think he’s tough, and if you met him, you'd know what I mean - he's taller than you and probably weighs lots more and none of it is fat. It didn't impress Mom becuz she said he was the devil in disguise. I hadn’t thought about Dad coming to San Diego. He always made sure he was ‘on duty’ back in Flowers County.”
Sam told me that he thought my dad was a sociopath. He would like me to permit him to discuss Ratso with a friend at the FBI. He told me that everything I had told him was confidential, and everything he said to me was confidential as well. I felt good that he wanted my okay to talk to an FBI friend about Ratso. I knew he was taking me seriously when he said that I’d have to look it up the meaning of sociopath on my new laptop. Of course, the idea of his coming or ever being here scared the shit outta me. He told me that he’d talk to the FBI person and Clare Danley, and he’d talk to me tomorrow or as soon as he could.
Before he left the room, he said, “Danny, please don’t let fear of your dad smother all your good feelings about this, your first day of school.” I think it helped to see Ella also leaving the building at the same time. She smiled when she saw me.
